Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor
by grayfox01
Summary: Naraku pulls a prank on Inuyasha and friends. For comedic purposes only.
1. Oh My God, What Happened

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter I…Oh My God, What Happened

Something I want to say right off the bat: This is for shits and giggles. I thought of a few things that I could do in this fic, so I'm going to see if I can piece them together into something logical but funny as hell, and still maintain a plot. If a part's not funny to you, remember that it was funny to me or it wouldn't have been added in.

And you guys know that Inuyasha doesn't belong to me, I don't need to remind you.

Ready…GO!

* * *

Naraku was busy in his lair, working feverishly on something, when Kagura came in.

"Mwah ha ha, excellent! Mwah ha ha!" Naraku cackled.

"The hell, you say?" Kagura asked.

"I've just finished working on my latest plan to annoy the hell out of Inuyasha and his friends. It requires you to get close enough to them to cast this potion I made onto them and get out before it takes effect. It's foolproof!"

"If I have to get that close, why don't I just kill them?" Kagura asked bluntly.

"Because then the series would end now just go do it, before I eat your heart with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

"Whatever you say, Hannibal."

And off she went. The potion was cast, and she got the hell outta Dodge.

* * *

Inuyasha had been sleeping up in the big tree, and awoke remarkably refreshed. He stood up, stretched a bit, scratched his ass, his stomach, his breasts…wait, what? Inuyasha grew confused. He looked down at himself, and indeed, he had breasts!

"What the fuck…?" he said out loud. In a panic, he grabbed his crotch.

"Where's my balls! Oh, fuck, where're my goddamn balls!" He pantsed himself and checked just to make sure. He was missing his balls. And his trouser snake.

Panicked and confused he dropped down from the tree and ran towards where the others had set up camp. He ran into Miroku before he got to the camp.

"Well, well, what have we here? A fair young maiden lost in the woods?" Miroku said, grabbing Inuyasha's ass.

Inuyasha punched him in the face several times.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Miroku! It's me, you dumb shit!"

"AAH! I've never seen you before, m'lady! Please stop!"

"Don't you recognize me? I'm Inuyasha!"

Miroku stood up, looked Inuyasha over from head to foot.

"You sure?"

"YES I'M SURE!"

"Well, you are wearing his clothes…but clothes don't make the man…"

"I don't believe this…LOOK AT ME! IT'S ME! Why would I lie about that!"

Miroku looked into Inuyasha's eyes.

"By the gods, it is you, Inuyasha! What the hell happened? You're a woman!"

"How the hell should I know what the hell happened! I woke up and found out I had girly parts!"

"…Did you…Did you _do_ anything?" Miroku asked.

"I panicked and-" He suddenly realized what Miroku had asked. "Oh, man, you are a sick fuck, dude, Jesus."

"What? Just asking, damn…"

"Miroku…man…no…just, no… What am I gonna do?"

"Weren't you just going to run into camp and panic?"

"No! …Yes. Maybe."

"Let's find a river, you need to see yourself."

They walked a bit into the woods, until they came upon a clear stream in which Inuyasha could see his reflection.

"Oh my god…I'm a woman."

"Yep."

"Oh my god…and I'm hot, too."

"…Yep."

THWACK

"Just pointing out a fact." Miroku rubbed his head.

"Wouldn't those kinds of thoughts make you gay?"

"Inuyasha, look at yourself. Anyone who didn't know you were really a guy would think you're a chick. Would you or would you not want to fuck that?" he said pointing at Inuyasha's reflection.

Inuyasha hesitated, but before he could say anything, Miroku cut in.

"No, don't even think that it's you. It just some girl. Would you or would not hit that?"

"…Yes, I would hit that."

"I rest my case."

Inuyasha shook his head. "…Dirty thoughts about fucking myself…Man, your condition's contagious," he mumbled. "How are we going to explain this to Kagome and Sango? And Shippo, oh god, Shippo's never gonna leave me alone about this…"

He grabbed his head and groaned. Miroku tried to take a gander down his shirt.

"Will you knock that shit off, you're starting to scare me."

"I can't help it, dude. Face it, you're sexy now. What do you want me to do?"

"Go bother Sango. I need to think…"

"Mmm…Sango…" He walked off.

Inuyasha began pacing back and forth on the shore.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! This doesn't make any sense! Why the hell am I a woman? Gaah!"

He paced some more…

* * *

Back at the camp, Miroku greeted Sango in his own way…and got slapped for it.

"Good morning to you, too, Sango."

"That's hardly a way to start the day."

"But…it's the breakfast of champions…"

Sango rolled her eyes.

Kagome woke up, waking Shippo as she got up.

"Where's Inuyasha?" She asked.

"Uhh…" Miroku hesitated. "He's…still sleeping! Yeah, that's it! He's still up in the tree asleep. He got mad when I woke him up and beat me about the head!"

"Huh! That jerk! I'll make him sit. There's no reason for that!"

"Wait, Kagome, Inuyasha's really grumpy! You'd better let him sleep for some time!"

Kagome and Sango looked at each other, both growing suspicious.

"What's going on, monk?" Sango asked.

"Nothing's going on, why would something be going on, there's nothing, it's nothing at all…" Miroku babbled.

Kagome and Sango looked at each other again.

"Grab his legs! Hold him down, Sango!"

The girls pinned Miroku to the ground.

"Please, ladies, this isn't how I envisioned this would happen! And in front of Shippo, why we'll scar the poor boy!"

"PERVERT!" both girls screamed.

Kagome removed Miroku's sandal and pulled out a feather. Sango held Miroku down and Kagome began tickling the bottom of his foot.

"Tell me what's going on with Inuyasha!"

"NO!" Miroku managed to blurt out between laughing.

"Tell me now! NOW!"

"I…I can't!" he struggled to say.

"I can do this for as long as possible, Miroku! Tell me the truth!"

"Okay! Okay, I'll tell you!"

Kagome stopped.

"He's…sick. He was throwing up when I found him, he wanted to be left lone, and he said he'd kill me if I told you!"

Kagome paused…then started up again on the other foot.

"I don't believe you!"

"Please stop!"

Shippo woke up fully, and saw this whole thing and thought, _What the hell?_

But what he said was completely different.

"Tell me why I had to be a Powerslave," he said, then became confused. 1

Kagome stopped, looked at Shippo, then at Sango.

"What did he say?"

_What did I say?_ Shippo thought. "You're so cold, keep your hand in mine." 2

He panicked. _I can't speak normally! What's going on!_

"Shippo, what are you talking about?"

He cried a little, "Mary, my lady of pain, always alone! Blind you search for the truth!" 3

Kagome and Sango looked at each other confused. Miroku managed to sit up and get a handful of Sango. Then a slap.

"Shippo, what's wrong with you?"

_I don't know!_ He screamed in his head. But what came out his mouth was, "Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings! Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams!" 4

Kagome thought for a moment… "Powerslave… Master of puppets…," she said, piecing together her thoughts. "He's speaking in song lyrics!"

"Song lyrics? But why?" Miroku asked. "And I know of no songs with those lyrics…"

"It's music from my era. Sota listens to all this American rock music, so I know most of the lyrics from him. It doesn't make sense why Shippo would know them, he's never hung out with my brother."

"You servant, you coward, you blind man, back to the front!" 5 _Why is this happening?_

"Such anger in those lyrics," Sango commented.

"It's actually relaxing when you're really pissed. When I fight with Inuyasha, I usually go home and steal all of Sota's CDs. It's good venting."

"They're trying to build a prison! For you and me to live in!" 6 _Waaaah! I can't communicate! Waaah!_

The other three sat up and thought for a moment. At that moment, Kirara woke up and stretched. She opened her mouth, and said, "RUFF!"

Everyone was caught off guard, even Kirara.

"Arf?"

"Kirara? You too? Even you can't speak right…" Sango said, worried.

"Bark."

"If I can…Remember…to know this…will conquer me…" 7 Tears were running down Shippo's face.

Sango pondered something.

"Kagome, you're normal, right?"

"Yes."

"And Miroku, you're normal, yes?"

"Correct."

"And I'm normal…But Shippo and Kirara aren't…They're demons, so maybe something happened that's only affecting demons…"

Kagome blurted out, "Inuyasha!"

Miroku winced.

"What happened to Inuyasha? Tell me now!"

"Ehh…Perhaps I should take you to him and allow him to explain…or bring him back and make him explain…"

Kagome and Sango were very worried.

"What could've happened? This makes no sense…" Kagome asked no one in particular.

Miroku went off to find Inuyasha…

* * *

Elsewhere in the forest, Sesshomaru was waking up from his night's sleep. He stretched and brushed some dirt off himself. However, the ground seemed very close. Closer than he remembered it being when he went to sleep.

"Hmm. What is the meaning of this?"

He then realized that his clothes were very, very baggy.

"Something is very wrong here. Jaken?"

Sesshomaru's imp sidekick roused from slumber and said to his master, "Yes, m'lord?"

But the voice that came from Jaken's lips was not his usual high-pitched whine, instead it was a deep, smooth masculine voice, like that found on a Jazz station DJ.

"Oh, baby, what's goin' on with my voice? It's so silky and smooth, like butter…"

"Jaken…something strange had occurred. I am quite puzzled. I seem to have become much smaller."

"Oh, Lord Sesshomaru, you very small, baby. So tiny, like a child."

"Jaken, I'm not sure I like your tone with me this morning."

"Relax, Lord Sesshomaru, baby, you ridin' the Jaken skies, I'll treat you right." Jaken was surprised at the words coming from his mouth.

"…Jaken…"

"Yeah, baby?"

"…Don't make me kill you…"

"Take a chill pill, bro…You gotta act calm, take it slow, like Masta Jaken, on J-105.5."

Sesshomaru looked at Jaken. Jaken looked at Sesshomaru.

"I don't understand what has happened. Rin, wake up."

Rin awoke immediately.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Do you feel strange at all today?"

"No, my lord, why do you ask?" She suddenly noticed his height. "Lord Sesshomaru! You've shrunk! By at least 3 feet!" (1 meter for our Canadian friends)

"I realize that, Rin, but you do not feel strange at all?"

"No, I'm fine. Master Jaken seems unaffected as well."

Sesshomaru looked at Rin, then at Jaken, then back at Rin, and couldn't help but chuckle.

Rin was confused. "M'lord?"

Sesshomaru's chuckle turned into a laugh. Jaken couldn't help but be drawn in as well.

"ha…Jaken, say something for Rin…Show her how unaffected you are…"

Jaken stopped laughing and said, "Rin, baby, you don't know what's goin' on, do ya? Everything's all crazy this morning. Topsy-turvy, baby…"

Soon, all three were laughing uncontrollably. Even the stoic Sesshomaru was laughing his ass off.

"Oh, this makes no sense…" he sighed.

* * *

Back in the forest, Inuyasha had been examining himself in the river for quite some time.

"Inuyasha," came Miroku's voice from the trees.

"YAAH!" Inuyasha screamed and dove behind a rock.

"What are you doing?"

"…Nuthin…"

"What were you really doing?"

"…Nuthin…"

"Inuyasha…What were you _really_ doing?"

"……Somethin…"

"There's nothing wrong with that, it's your body…"

"I wasn't doing that, you sick freak! I was just looking at myself!"

"Whatever you have to tell yourself."

Inuyasha emerged, and asked, "Whaddya want?"

"The girls have requested you to return to the camp. Shippo and Kirara are experiencing strange occurrences as well. Kagome is concerned about you."

"…But how am I to explain this?" he said, gesturing to his newly feminine body.

"Why should you have to? If you don't know, then you don't know, there's nothing to explain."

"Oh, really? Well, let's go find out then, shall we?"

They walked back to camp. As they neared, Inuyasha could see Kagome and Sango trying to talk to Shippo, but he was crying and carrying on, and both ladies were growing frustrated.

"What's wrong with Shippo?"

"He can only speak in song lyrics from songs in Kagome's time. And Kirara speaks like a dog now."

Inuyasha face became screwed up in thought.

"WHAT?"

"You heard me."

Kagome looked over and saw Miroku.

"Did you find Inuyasha?" she asked.

"Yes, I did. He's here beside me."

Inuyasha hid. "I'm having second thoughts about this, Miroku."

"Who's that?" Sango asked.

Miroku turned to Inuyasha and said, "Look, Inuyasha, you have to do this. There's no other choice. Come on." Miroku grabbed Inuyasha's arm and began dragging him into camp.

"No! I can't!"

"That's…" Sango and Kagome began to say.

Miroku turned to the ladies and said, "May I introduce you to Inuyasha…"

Kagome and Sango's jaws dropped as they laid eyes on Inuyasha's new shape.

Shippo fell over laughing, "Goin' off the rails on a crazy train!" 8

Kagome was speechless.

Sango said, extremely puzzled, "What the f…"

Inuyasha merely turned very red.

" I don't know what to say. I'm a woman. I woke up and I looked like" he gestured at himself. "this."

Shippo ran up to Inuyasha and pointed and laughed, "I can see inside you, the sickness is rising, don't try and deny what you feel!" 9

"Shut up, song boy!" Inuyasha yelled, and whacked Shippo on the noggin.

"Hey, Sweden!" 10

"What?"

"You're using coconuts! You've got to halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!" 11

Everyone was puzzled.

"Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!" 12

"What the fuck are you talking about!" Inuyasha shouted.

"I just want to go up to my shack and get drunk…" 13

Everyone just looked at him. _What is going on now?_ Shippo thought. _It's even weirder this time!_

"I'm bleeding, making me the victor." 14

It hit Kagome like a sack of hammers. "Now I get it. He's speaking in movie quotes now!"

"Fantastic. …What's a movie?" Inuyasha asked.

"That's not important right now. What we need to figure out is how to fix all this."

"Well, whacking Shippo in the head seemed to do something…That's a start." Inuyasha grabbed the little fox demon and whacked him again. "Say something."

"All your base are belong to us."

WHACK

"Pwnd in the phaise!"

WHACK

"Don pay mind to tha lit wans, mon just grab the reefer and com dun."

WHACK

"¡Ay dios mió, por favor, espera!"

"Wait, Inuyasha, don't hit him!"

"Why? He's speakin' gibberish now."

"No, it's Spanish! I took Spanish in school, maybe we can talk to him now."

"Kagome, por favor, ayúdame. No me gusta este día."

"We're trying, Shippo, but we don't know what's going on."

"I could just keep hitting him until he speaks normally again…"

"You'd probably kill him before that happened, jerk!"

"I don't see any other options here, Kagome!"

"I see another option! SIT!"

Inuyasha braced himself for pain. But nothing happened.

"SIT!" Nothing. "Why isn't it working?"

Inuyasha was relieved more than ever before.

"HA! The spell doesn't work anymore!"

He grabbed Shippo and began hitting him again.

"¡Puta¡Quema en un fuego¡Va a infierno!"

WHACK

"Stop it Inuyasha, you fool! This stuff isn't cool!" Shippo said

"There, see he's back to normal! What'd I tell you?" commented Inuyasha.

"One day you'll regret it, don't you forget it…"

"Inuyasha! That was entirely unnecessary!" Kagome yelled.

"What're you going to do about it? You can't sit me for it."

Kagome grew flustered.

"Grr!" she growled, then lashed out and twisted Inuyasha's nipple very hard.

"OOOWW!" he yelped. "Damn it! What the fuck? That hurt like hell!"

"Almost as bad as sit, huh?"

"Uh huh…" Inuyasha whimpered.

"Ha ha, jackass, that's what you get for dishing out sass!" Shippo piped up.

Sango looked at Shippo. "Are you rhyming now?"

"I guess it's true, but what can we do?"

Miroku looked at the ground. "This is a very peculiar day…"

Kagome stared at Inuyasha and yelled, "Speak! Roll over! Shake! Get away from the door!"

"What the blue hell are you doing?" Inuyasha asked.

"I figured maybe the command word changed, since everything else is so screwy today."

"There's lots of words out there, babe, doubtful you're going to find the right one."

"I got it the first time, I think I can do it again!"

Shippo climbed up Inuyasha's back and knocked him hard on the head with a hammer.

"Try Sit again, it's worth a shot, who knows if it'll work or not."

"You bastard!" Inuyasha called out, grabbing his head in pain.

"SIT!"

"Gah!"

The command worked again.

"This…makes…no…sense…" Inuyasha mumbled from the crater.

"No. It doesn't. It's almost as if the author tried to create another conflict, but then realized it was a bad idea, and tried to fix it as easily as possible without having to get rid of a bunch of lines of dialogue that he liked in the process," said Sango.

"Indeed," Miroku agreed. "But he did it in such a poor way. It's almost sloppy."

"No, it _is_ sloppy. But we'll forgive him, it's late," Kagome said

"Hmm. I suppose. But the readers may not like it," Miroku replied.

"If the readers don't like it, he'll get a review. By the way people, that's what you should do," added Shippo.

wink, wink

nudge, nudge

"…Please…just end the chapter…" Inuyasha begged.

* * *

Next chapter when I get it finished!

(Song/movie lyrics credits:

1 Iron Maiden; "Powerslave"

2 Breaking Benjamin; "So Cold"

3 Queenrÿche; "Suite Sister Mary"

4 Metallica; "Master of Puppets"

5 Metallica; "Disposable Heroes"

6 System of a Down; "Prison Song"

7 Disturbed; "Remember"

8 Black Sabbath; "Crazy Train"

9 Disturbed; "The Sickness"

10 RJ MacReady; John Carpenter's "The Thing"

11 Castle Guard; "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

12 Mexican Guy; "Blazing Saddles"

13 RJ MacReady; John Carpenter's "The Thing"

14 Wimp Lo; "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist"


	2. Everybody's Gone Crazy

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter II…Everybody's Gone Crazy …

Blah blah blah Inuyasha not mine blah blah all that BS.

Chapter 2 begins…NOW!

* * *

"The first thing we need to do is figure out how this happened…Who did it, why, how, all that stuff," Kagome said.

"And then beat the shit out of them," said Inuyasha, looking down at himself. "And soon, 'cause the new moon is coming up tomorrow night."

"Already? That seems to happen a lot when we need to get something accomplished…" Miroku pointed out.

"Yeah, that always bugged the hell outta me," Inuyasha replied.

"ANYWAY…So who could have possibly wanted to do something to us like this?" Kagome asked, pulling out a large pad of paper to make a chart.

"Sesshomaru," said Inuyasha. "He'd get a kick out of seeing me as a woman."

Kagome wrote him down.

"Kikyo…At Inuyasha she is mad, she'd like to see us sad," Shippo said. Kagome wrote down Kikyo.

"Yeah, but this doesn't seem like something Kikyo would do," Inuyasha argued.

"What about your brother? Why would he do this, rather than another?" Shippo fired back.

"Of course, there's always Naraku," Miroku said. "He is a douchebag, after all. This comes off to me as his doing."

Inuyasha piped up, "Koga! Koga's a douchebag, too! He'd die laughing if I turned into a chick and was humiliated! I'll bet it's him!"

Naraku and Koga were added to the chart, with "douchebag" penciled in next to them.

"Okay, anyone else? No? All right…So…we've got Sesshomaru first…Why would Sesshomaru do this?" Kagome asked.

"Because he wants to see me humiliated! If I changed from his half-breed brother to his half-breed sister, it'd give him another thing to hate me for," Inuyasha said.

"How would he do this?"

"Uh…Well, he does have somewhat magical powers, so…"

"Okay, I'm taking Sesshomaru off the list. What about Kikyo? It seems to me that Kikyo would target me or Inuyasha only, and not Shippo and Kirara. And a priestess doesn't really have the powers to change people into other people…Witches on the other hand…"

"Maybe someone hired a witch to do this?" Sango suggested.

"A witch? Burn her! Burn her anyway!" Shippo yelled. 1

"Oh god, not movie quotes again…" Kagome said.

"But she turned me into a newt! …I got bettah…" 1

"Yeah, but the only witches we've pissed off are long dead, right? Unless I'm forgetting something…" Inuyasha said. "What about Koga? Like I said, he'd love to humiliate me like this!"

"Yeah, but Inuyasha, Koga has no real powers. All he can do is run really fast and jump high," Miroku said.

"Hmm…so Koga and Kikyo are gone…Which leaves us…with…Naraku…" Kagome said, while writing on the chart.

"My money's on Naraku," said Miroku. He _is_ a douchebag, we have to remember that."

"He _is_ a giant douche," said Sango.

"Could he be the Mega Douche?" asked Kagome.

"I think he might just be the Mega Douche," Inuyasha said. "He's got all kinds of funky powers and shit, I'm sure he's able to do something like this with ease. I agree with Miroku."

"So all we must do is find him and beat the crap out of him before nightfall, correct?" Sango asked.

Everyone nodded.

"Cómo podemos encontrar Naraku?" Shippo asked, en español otra vez.

"Easy, Inuyasha sniffs him out, duh," Kagome said.

"Yeah, but the new moon is tomorrow night, my demon powers will go away. My nose won't be good enough."

"You stinkin' cockaroach," Shippo said. 2

"Shut up, dude!" Inuyasha yelled, punching Shippo.

"You gotta be fucking kidding…" Shippo said. 3

WHACK

"…ack!" Shippo tried to speak, but all that came out was the sound of someone strangling a rat. _Fantastic. Now I can't speak at all,_ he thought.

"I like this," said Inuyasha. Shippo gave him the finger.

Just then, a whirlwind came from the east, and stopped at the edge of camp. Inuyasha said, "Damn it all…"

"HI, KAGOME! HI, MUTT FACE! HEY, WHAT THE HELL? YOU'RE A GIRL!" Koga shouted.

"What the fuck do you want?" Inuyasha asked.

"I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU GUYS FELT STRANGE TODAY TOO! GUESS THAT ANSWERS MY QUESTION!"

"Why are you yelling?"

"I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS ALL MORNING!"

"I will kill you…Leave now."

"WHY? I CAME TO SEE KAGOME!"

"How about this, douchebag? I'll Rochambeau you and if I win, you have to leave. Deal?"

"OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I'LL ACCEPT!"

Inuyasha stood up and said, "Okay, stand like this." Koga obliged, spreading his legs slightly. Inuyasha wound up and kicked him as hard as he could, square in the nuts.

Koga said nothing, just fell on the ground instantly.

"I win," Inuyasha proclaimed dramatically. Kagome laughed. Sango took notes. Miroku cringed.

Just then, a flying armadillo and a man with an afro showed up, wearing Hakkaku and Ginta's clothing. Everyone stared.

"We woke up like this. Something's wrong. The smell of Naraku is all over the forest," Hakkaku, the armadillo said.

"What the fuck _are_ you?" Inuyasha asked.

"I don't know. What does it matter?"

"Naraku was here. He did this to us. And we aren't the only demons affected by it. We ran into your brother, Sesshomaru, along the way," Ginta said.

"Oh noez," Inuyasha said, looking behind Ginta's giant fro. But he saw nothing. "Huh?"

"Look down, worthless half-breed," came Sesshomaru's voice.

Inuyasha looked down to see a tiny Sesshomaru…and began laughing.

"You're a dwarf!"

"Shut up! You look like a woman!" yelled Sesshomaru.

"That's 'cause I _am_ a woman!" laughed Inuyasha.

Sesshomaru began laughing as well.

"Sesshomaru…_laughing_? I'm frightened," Kagome said.

"Don't laugh at Lord Sesshomaru, baby, he's too cool for you. You're tuned to the far end of the dial, baby, with Masta Jaken on J-105.5," Jaken said, in his new voice.

_Good god_, thought Shippo, miming being trapped in a box. _That's fucked up_.

"All the mortals are unaffected. It seems whatever Naraku did was intended for demons only," Sesshomaru said.

"Or Naraku fucked it up," Inuyasha said. "That's a distinct possibility."

* * *

"Shit! I fucked it up!" Naraku cursed. "Moron!"

"Why, what happened?" asked Kagura.

"The humans weren't affected by the potion, only the dem-" Naraku turned and looked at Kagura, and stopped speaking once he saw her.

"…What?"

"Um…Kagura, did you get out of there as quickly as possible like I said?"

"Yes, why? …Why, what happened?"

"Kanna! Come here."

Kanna entered the room and held her mirror up to Kagura.

"Oh, Goddamnit. You can't be serious," Kagura said, highly annoyed. Her reflection in the mirror showed her to have a Chester A. Arthur-style beard.

"And I just shaved this morning…"

"Didn't need to know that…I'm working on a new potion that will mess with the humans as well. I'll call you when it's ready."

* * *

Sesshomaru had left to go search for Naraku and give him a whooping, and Ginta and Hakkaku dragged Koga, still unconscious from being booted in the jewels, back to wherever they hell they go when they leave.

Night was setting in, and Kagome and Sango decided to go off to the hot springs.

"We'll be back in an hour."

"Wait, am I supposed to bathe with Miroku still?" Inuyasha asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Miroku asked, insulted.

"Come on, dude. It's you. We all know what you're like," Inuyasha answered.

Kagome looked at Sango, who shrugged.

"All right, come on," Kagome said, grabbing Inuyasha.

"Wait, what's going on?"

"Well, if you're going to look like a woman, we're going to make you smell like one," she said, while dragging him with the help of Sango.

"You stay here, monk," Sango commanded.

A dark cloud formed over Miroku's head as he sat down.

"That's not fair," he said, tracing a circle in the dirt with his finger. "Why does Inuyasha get to go in the bath with the ladies…"

Shippo pointed and laughed silently.

"What're you going to do to me? What's that thing? Aah! What are you doing to me! Miroku, help me, they're killing me!" Inuyasha yelled as he was dragged away.

"It's just a loofah, it'll scrape off all that dead skin and leave you shiny and clean!"

Miroku sulked. Shippo mimed leaning against a wall.

* * *

The ladies forced Inuyasha out of his clothes and into the water. Kagome dumped shampoo on him then jumped in, attacking him with the loofah.

"It burns!"

"Such a baby. SIT!"

"Yaah!"

Inuyasha was thrown into the water, rinsing himself in the process. Kagome looked him up and down, and said, "That's not fair. He's really a man but he's got bigger breasts than me."

"I don't know, Kagome, I don't think so," Sango said.

Inuyasha was highly embarrassed. _Boobies…_ he thought.

Kagome sat down in the water and sighed.

"I hope we can get this resolved, I don't know if I can handle having my boyfriend turned into a woman."

"Boy… friend?" Inuyasha stuttered.

"Well, yah, how stupid are you? It's only been implied at every possible chance. Geez, read the script."

Inuyasha was still overwhelmed by the female presence surrounding him.

A rustle was heard in the bushes.

"Don't even _think_ about it, Miroku!" Sango yelled.

"Oh, come on, why you gotta be like that, Sango? I'm just guarding you from danger!"

"Uh huh, and trying to get a sneak peak, too, I'll bet."

"The job has its perks."

"Well, go guard somewhere away from here. Far away."

"Ohhh…come on, pleeeeease?" he whined.

"NO!"

"…This is bullcrap…" Some more rustling was heard, which slowly got quieter.

A moment passed.

"Is he still there?" asked Kagome.

"What do you think?" Sango replied.

A single rustle was heard.

"Oh, Kagome, this water feels so good on my bare flesh. So soothing on my smooth, pale skin. It's so relaxing, I could stay in here forever. It's delightful," Sango said, motioning for Kagome to keep it going.

"Sango, you're right, but you know what feels really good? When you rub the water against yourself," Kagome said, trying not to laugh.

Miroku wasn't close enough to see, but he could hear, that's for sure.

"Oh…damn…an opportunity like this doesn't come up every day. Even if it means lots of physical pain, the sights I will see will be worth every hit!"

Miroku cast off his kimono, ran, and leaped into the pool of water, shouting,

"I'm here for you, ladies!"

Neither Sango nor Kagome expected that to happen, and when Miroku resurfaced, both women wore facial expressions of rage mixed with surprise.

"Hello. Fine evening tonight, isn't it? So…how are you doing?"

Inuyasha thought, _He's done for_… Followed by, _Boobies_…

Oh the beating Miroku received…If I were to repeat to you now what they did to him, you would run from the monitor screaming in horror…

He staggered away, battered and bruised, but repeating, "It was totally worth it…"

As he walked back to the campfire, he could hear the women and Inuyasha talking.

"Now hold still, Inuyasha, let me do this…"

"What is that? What are you doing? Help me, someone! Anyone! Mama!"

* * *

"Oh, come on, Inuyasha, you look pretty now. I don't see what's so bad about it," Miroku said in the morning, smirking like a bandit.

"I will kill you…" Inuyasha threatened. After the bath that night, the girls attacked Inuyasha with various make-ups and cosmetics. He now had on eye shadow, mascara, and lip gloss. Shippo rolled with silent laughter. Inuyasha gave him a death glare, but Shippo still laughed on and on. Kagome and Sango snickered over by the fire.

"He's so cute wearing that hair ribbon, too," Kagome said.

"…This is all wrong…You people are insane…" Inuyasha grumbled. He tore the ribbon out of his hair.

"Oh, come on, Inuyasha, where's you sense of humor?" Kagome asked.

"Feh."

* * *

The day passed by without much happening. Inuyasha washed off the make-up after Shippo kept miming things that insulted him. He then proceeded to swing a medium-sized branch at Shippo, clocking him in the head at one point, which earned him a "Sit, boy!" from Kagome. Fortunately for Shippo, that blow restored his ability to speak. But it gave him a concussion and he was out for hours.

Sesshomaru picked up a trace of Naraku's scent and followed it.

Koga's balls still hurt. He walked very slowly towards the direction he believed Naraku to be in.

The night of the new moon approached…

* * *

"Kagura! …Kagura? …Kagura!" Naraku called.

From the other end of the castle came an annoyed, "Whaaat?"

"Come here!"

"Why?"

"Because I said so, Goddamnit!"

"But I'm watching my stories! Naraku…!"

"Just come here so I don't have to keep yelling through the damned house!"

Kagura sighed and obeyed.

"You rang?" she said sarcastically.

"Don't make me strike you…Here, take this. This potion will affect Inuyasha's mortal friends and make them all weird and shit. Dump it on them while they sleep and we'll watch the fun and eat popcorn shrimp from Red Lobster!"

"Naraku…Red Lobster hasn't been founded yet. It's the 1500s. It'll be a few centuries before popcorn shrimp is even invented. I don't even know if deep frying has caught on anywhere yet."

"Well, then we'll be the first…Stop talking! Get out of this castle and do what I ask!"

"…It's only a model…" 4

"Shh!"

* * *

"Inuyasha, the sun is setting," Kagome said.

"You think?" he replied, sipping his tea.

"Sit."

WHUMP

"So what will we do if Inuyasha remains a woman for the rest of his life?" Miroku asked, chewing on a piece of meat.

A look of horror crept onto Inuyasha's face.

"I don't really know. It'll be very strange keeping a romantic relationship together if he's a woman. A girl has certain needs that only a man can fulfill," Kagome said dreamily.

Inuyasha and Miroku looked at each other as if to say, "Daaaaaamn. Did I hear right?"

"And I don't know how my mother would react if she found out I was dating a woman…" Kagome continued. "I suppose Hojo could be useful for something after all…"

Inuyasha stood up quickly and shouted, "Who the fuck is Hojo!"

"Relax, Inuyasha, I'm only teasing you! Hojo's stuck in the closet, you've got nothing to worry about from him."

Inuyasha let out a sigh of relief.

"But Koga on the other hand…"

"WHAAAAA?" Inuyasha screamed in disbelief, spitting his tea out into the fire.

"I'm kidding! Just kidding again! You take things too seriously, Inuyasha!"

"That's not funny. At all."

"Well, look at our situation, here, Inuyasha. I suppose I could try swinging the other way for you, but I don't know if I'll be able to keep that up for very long."

Miroku nearly choked on his food.

Shippo began to wake up from his coma.

"Uhh…my head…FUCK!"

"Shippo! Are you okay?" Kagome asked.

"No…my head is killing me…SHIT!"

"Such strong words from such a little fox," Sango commented.

"What are you talking about, Sango? …ASS!" Shippo asked.

"Inuyasha…" Kagome said, turning to the half-demon formerly known as male.

"What? So he learned some new words? Big deal."

"What are you guys talking about? …DICK! BALLS!"

"You've given him Tourette's, you jackass."

"What the hell's that?"

Kagome sighed.

Shippo said, "TWAT!"

Kagome smacked him.

"Oww, Kagome, what'd you do that for? Waaaah! …SHIT!"

"Oh, this is wonderful…What I wouldn't give for him to go back to the rhyming…"

The sun set fully and darkness settled over the forest.

Inuyasha sat up and said, "I feel funny all of a sudden…"

He began transforming into his human form, but as he did, his womanly features slowly vanished, and he returned to his normal manly self.

"I'm back to normal!" he exclaimed. "I'll be right back, I have to check something."

He ran out behind the bushes and a few seconds later, he shouted, "Oh, thank the gods, I missed you guys so much!"

Miroku understood and nodded, but the girls needed a minute to catch on.

Inuyasha called out, excitedly, "Kagome, come here, I'm a man again! See?"

Kagome couldn't help but look.

"Oh…my…GAWD! I'll say," she said in shock. She wandered off into the bushes.

Out of curiosity, Sango turned and looked, then blushed heavily.

"Good lord!" she cried. "No wonder he's so dense, there's not enough blood getting to his brain!"

"Well, he_ is_ a half-demon. Different than normal men. I myself am not normal, though," Miroku said with confidence.

Sango smirked. "Uh huh."

Miroku looked insulted.

"What?"

"That hurts me, Sango. Right here," he said, gesturing to his chest. "But it really hurts me down here," he said, gesturing a little lower.

"Perverted monk." She turned an looked back at Kagome and Inuyasha. "…What are they doing? Oh my god they're-"

"FUCKING!" Shippo screamed.

"I was going to say 'reaching a high point in their relationship,' but that works just as well."

Miroku and Sango watched intently, unable to look away.

"My god, I didn't know the human body could bend that way!"

"Kagome is very limber."

"That looks uncomfortable…"

"We wouldn't know 'til we tried it, now would we?"

"Don't get any ideas, monk."

"Too late for that, I'm afraid…"

"Oi…"

* * *

Kagura waited until nightfall, like Naraku had said, before she set out to dump this new potion on the gang and really start messing with their heads.

"Is Naraku insane? Maybe he's on drugs…I saw him snorting something off of Kanna's mirror…He has to be for him to think this is anything but retarded…"

She flew over the campsite, and did a double take.

"Are they…? Oh my god, they are!" She snickered, and said, "Heh. Maybe this will ruin their fun," and dumped the potion onto the mortals below.

She flew away very rapidly, snickering to herself.

"Ha ha…they were doin' it."

* * *

The mood was ruined…Twice. Once when the potion hit everyone, and again when it took effect.

"Ah, what the fuck?" Inuyasha called out to the sky. "What is this shit? All over me…"

"Inuyasha."

"What's up?"

"Something's wrong…"

* * *

HA HA! Cliffhanger! And there's nothing you can do about it!

Seriously, though, I have to end there, I've reached my creativity limit for the moment. I'm not sure, but I think there will be definitely one, maybe 2 more chapters in this. But I don't know when I'll get to them. Keep an eye out, if I have any fans already.

Review what I have so far (please), and check out my serious story "The Man From the Mainland" which is also unfinished. Bye.

-grayfox01

(Shippo's movie quotes…)

1 Villager; "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

2 Tony Montana; "Scarface"

3 Palmer; John Carpenter's "The Thing"

4 Patsy; "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Side note: ever notice that after you think you're done with something and handed it in or posted it, you always find a bunch of typos right afterwards? I hate that.


	3. I Cannot Believe This Is Happening Right

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter III…I Cannot Believe This Is Happening Right Before My Eyes

Inuyasha not mine

Initializing chapter 3…begin in 3…2…1…

* * *

"Inuyasha," Kagome said.

"What's up?"

"Something's wrong…"

"What?"

"Look at us…"

"Kagome, there's nothing wrong with what we're doing…It's natural…"

"No, you idiot,_ look_ at us!"

Inuyasha got off of Kagome and looked at his hands and body. He was transforming into something…something weird…

"What's going on now?" He dove into Kagome's backpack and pulled out a mirror. Looking into it, he could see his face changing in front of him. His black hair in his human form was shortening and turning white again. His ears became very large, and his face wrinkled. His teeth also grew in size, but not into fangs.

"My god…" Kagome said. "He's turned into Tony Blair…"

"NOOOO! …Who's Tony Blair?"

"The Prime Minister of England."

"What's an England?"

"That's hardly the issue here!" Kagome cried out, suddenly writhing as her body shape-shifted as well.

Her ears disappeared and reappeared as black dog ears on her head. Her teeth became fangs. She turned into something that would resemble Inuyasha's sister.

"…The fuck?"

The potion had also affected Sango and Miroku from their vantage point behind the brush.

"Sango…what's wrong with my head?"

Sango looked at him…

"Miroku…there's a giant horn sticking out of your forehead…"

Miroku looked at Sango, and nearly cried.

"Sango, my sweet Sango…"

"What?"

"Thank the Gods you are unchanged…"

"Really? Wow, I'm lucky…"

She got up and went to see how Inuyasha and Kagome were doing. Miroku noticed something, though, as she got up…She had a long cat-like tail.

"Well, I suppose I could get used to that…"

Shippo sat up.

"Miroku…FUCK!"

Miroku turned to him.

"How are we going to fight Naraku now? …WHORE! Inuyasha has turned into a politician, and you've got a massive protrusion sticking out from your forehead…SHIT! I have faith in Sango, but she can't take on Naraku all by herself…COCK! BITCH!"

"Well, Shippo…I…uh…" Miroku thought for a minute. "…At least Kagome is in some way capable…"

Shippo just looked at him. His silence said it all.

Miroku realized Shippo had a point. "Hmm…this is very dire indeed…"

Inuyasha came towards the fire, adjusting his tie and jacket.

"Quite a predicament, eh lad? We 'aven't a chance. We'll 'ave to rely on the 'elp of others, now…Let's pray that my dear brother Sesshomaru 'as regained some of 'is powers. Othahwise, we're bloody well fucked," he said in a striking British accent.

Miroku stared at him.

"My forehead hurts like hell."

"Let's take a look at that, then, lad, shall we?"

Inuyasha reached out and touched the horn. It gave way a bit, and Inuyasha for some reason grabbed it and pulled.

Miroku screamed like a little girl as Inuyasha pulled the horn from his scalp.

"Goddamnit! What are you doing!"

Inuyasha 'eld tha 'orn in 'is 'and…erhem… "held the horn in his hand"…and it began to swell up, so he dropped it.

"Well, I say…little bugger…"

The horn twisted and writhed on the ground.

Sango came into the camp and watched.

"What's that?"

"It came out of our Miroku's fore 'ead…I haven't a clue as to what it's doing, though, luv."

The horn was now the size of a man, and it split open…from it, like a butterfly emerging from a burrito, a robot burrowed its way out into the world.

"I live!" it cried, reaching towards the skies. "But I don't want to…I'm so sad…"

Speakers appeared from it's chest and began playing My Chemical Romance. A metal panel grew out from its head and slid down over one eye, then turned into fibers, like hair. The robot pulled out a knife and began slashing at its wrists.

"Oh no…it's Emo. It's an emobot…" said Kagome, holding her head in her hands.

"Weh heh heh heh…" the robot cried as it hacked away at itself, uselessly. It's made of metal. It can't exactly slit its wrist, can it?

The robot opened a compartment in its chest and took out a tiny pair of pants and a tiny shirt and put them on. They were camo pants and a black shirt with someone dying a poetic death on it.

"Oh god, it thinks its Scene, too…Someone kill me…" Kagome said, slowly shaking her head.

"I wish someone would kill me…I'm so sad…my life is pathetic…I don't deserve to live…Weh heh heh heh heh…" cried the robot. A giant belt buckle emerged from its waist.

Miroku looked over at Sango and said, "Did we drop acid or something and fall asleep in front of the TV?"

Sango shrugged and shook her head. "At this point, I think anything's possible."

Shippo looked up at the robot and said, "Stop crying, dude, you're a freaking robot…PUSSY!"

This made the robot cry even harder. The music in turn got louder.

"Oh my god, I'm going to have a stroke…" Kagome said.

Inuyasha approached the emobot and said in his new accent, "I say, old chap, stop all this ruckus and whatnot. You're being a silly little runt, is all, and we all don't want nor think you should die. Now cheer up, bloke! Chin up, stiff upper lip, all that rot!"

"Happiness goes against my programming…" sobbed the emobot.

Kagome stared at the emobot with fury.

"Why are you here?" she asked.

The emobot looked back at her and said, "I'm here…to die…Weh heh heh heh…"

"Good lord…" Kagome said, rubbing her forehead in frustration.

* * *

Mini-Sesshomaru and his entourage were closing in on what they thought to be Naraku's fortress. However, they only came upon Kagura, and another being who smelled of Naraku. Sesshomaru looked at the other demon and said, "Who are you, and what are you doing with Kagura?"

The demon looked at Sesshomaru and laughed.

"What're you going to do about it, kiddo?"

Jaken was infuriated.

"Nobody talks to my Lord Sesshomaru that way, baby…You just made him angry, and he's one bad mutha-"

"Shut yo' mouth!" Rin cut in.

"Only talkin' 'bout Sesshomaru!" Jaken fired back.

"I can dig it."

"Interesting," Sesshomaru said. "You call me a child, yet it is you who smell as though you've urinated all over yourself."

The demon was caught off guard.

"Have you no response?"

"Shut up!"

"What do you call yourself? I'd like to know so I may find your grave after I kill you and defecate on it."

"My name is Ash Ketchum, and I'm going to be a Pokemon master!"

"Wrong show, idiot."

Sesshomaru unsheathed Tokijin and sliced off the demon's head without trouble, even with his reduced size.

Kagura looked relieved.

"Oh, thank GOD! That fucker has been blabbing on and on about 'gonna catch 'em all' and 'my whatevermon blah blah blah' ever since Naraku spewed him out this morning. I finally just began to tune it out, but still, it gets you subconsciously," she said. "Hey, why are you so tiny?"

Sesshomaru jumped up onto a rock eye level with Kagura.

"I was hoping you could tell me…seeing how it was your scent I detected the other night…"

"I was just following Naraku's orders to humiliate Inuyasha and his friends. You weren't a target. Besides, you aren't the only collateral damage in this…"

"I was trying not to say anything about the beard, but now that you mention it…"

Jaken and Rin were off gossiping in the corner.

Kagura nodded slowly.

"That douchebag Koga was also affected. You turned him into a douchebag who shouts all the time," Sesshomaru commented.

"Sorry."

"Inuyasha kicked him in the testicles, though, so it's okay. So…what're you doing after the fanfic?"

"Nothing as of right now…why?"

"Oh, just asking…Want to go catch a movie or something? Go get a couple of beers?"

"Sure. I'll bring Kanna. She makes a good end table to rest drinks on."

Jaken and Rin were snickering about something, and Jaken was encouraging Rin to go over to the two demons. Rin was gesturing that she would, so she did.

"Lady Kagura?"

Kagura and Sesshomaru both looked at Rin.

"Is it true?"

"Is what true, kid?"

"That you're Lord Sesshomaru's baby mama?"

Jaken was in hysterics over by the trees.

"Erhem…um…" Kagura stalled. "Wow, look at the time, gotta go!" She gestured at Sesshomaru and mouthed, "Call me," before hopping on her feather and flying off.

Sesshomaru got off the rock and went over to Jaken, and kicked him.

"Jaken, if you ever try to cock-block me again, I will not hesitate to destroy you."

"Don't hate the playa, baby, hate the game…"

Jaken earned another kick from his Lord.

* * *

Back at Naraku's castle, Naraku was sitting at the kitchen table, wearing his bathrobe and spectacles, and reading the newspaper, while drinking from a ridiculously huge coffee mug with the label "World's Greatest SOB" on it.

Kanna was standing there, staring at the wall blankly, when Kagura walked in.

"And where have you been, young lady?" Naraku asked, not taking his eyes off the paper.

"I, uh, was just doing what you asked of me, Naraku…"

"Where's Ash?"

"Oh, he, uh, saw a pokey-man, and was, uh trying to catch it, when it…ate him…"

"Really…You know, I told you before, I don't want you going out with that Sesshomaru boy, he's no good. How many times do we have to have this discussion?"

"I'm old enough now to make my own decisions! I'll see who I want, when I want!"

"If you're living in my house, you'll follow my rules! Now go to your room!" he shouted peeking over the top of the paper.

"Don't tell me what to do; you're not my real father! WAAAAH!" Kagura ran upstairs crying.

"That hurts me, Kagura! Hurts me in my heart!" Naraku yelled, pulling something out of his pocket and squeezing it.

"OW! Stop that!"

"No."

Kanna turned around.

"Someone's coming…"

Naraku stood up and accidentally knocked her over. She did nothing.

"Oh, sorry, you okay?"

"I have no soul….My life has no meaning…"

The doorbell rang.

"Fucking Girl Scouts…For the last time, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR GODDAMN COOKIES! TELL YOUR SCOUT LEADER TO SHOVE IT!"

"Singing Telegram for a… 'Douchebag'…at this address…" came the reply.

"There's no one here by that name," Naraku said, opening the door.

"I still need for you to sign for it," said the delivery boy. He handed Naraku a pen and a clipboard.

Naraku took the pen and signed the document.

"Good enough?"

"No. NOW, KOGA!"

The delivery boy jumped out of the way, and allowed Koga to rush into Naraku's living room.

"PREPARE TO DIE NARAKU!"

"Get out of my house!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD! I HOPE YOU SAID YOUR PRAYERS!"

"Why are you shouting?"

"YOU DID THIS WITH YOUR POTION, DOUCHEBAG!"

Naraku looked into his coffee cup, contemplated, then threw the contents in Koga's face.

"PPBBLT!" Koga yelled, spitting. "What the fuck? What is this?"

"The blood of the innocent. Fresh Squeezed." Naraku pointed to his kitchen juicer, which had an angel wing sticking out of it.

"What the f…Hey, my voice is back to normal!" Koga commented.

"Yeah, that was getting annoying real quick." Naraku replied.

"Where was I?"

"Something about 'say your prayers,' 'prepare to die,' all that clichéd BS."

"Oh yeah…"

Before Koga could speak, Naraku wound up and kicked him in the groin.

"That's still very tender…" Koga said, passing out and falling down.

"Kagura!" Naraku yelled out.

"I'm not speaking to you!"

"Stop crying and take this trash out before I come up there and give you something to cry about!" Naraku said, taking off his belt and grasping it tightly.

Kagura reluctantly came downstairs, with the worst expression on her face, pulled out her fan and said half-heartedly, "Dance of the Dragon…"

Koga was blown outside, and sent flying some number of miles away.

Kagura stomped off again, mumbling under her breath, "Lazy piece of…can't even take out his own trash…I oughtta…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"I'm getting tired of your lip, young lady! No more back-sass, or I'll take away your telephone!"

"You wouldn't dare…" Kagura glared directly into Naraku's eyes.

Naraku returned the glare. "Watch me."

Kagura shouted, frustrated, "I'm going out!"

"My ass, you are! You get back up there and sulk, missy!"

"I AM going out!"

"Just try it!"

"Watch me!"

Kagura threw her feather out the door, jumped on and sped off.

"You just remember who pays for the insurance on that thing!" Naraku called after her, as she left his sight. "Damn kids…harder and harder to control."

He looked at Kanna, still lying on her side from when she fell over.

"I guess they all can't be like you, Kanna," Naraku sighed.

"I feel cold and hollow inside…Like a refrigerator…"

* * *

Inuyasha looked up at the sky and said, "I say, I do believe that there goes that old chap Koga. Rather odd, for him to be flying in this weather. Or flying at all, for that matter."

Kagome looked at Inuyasha, then at her other two friends. "We really, REALLY need to do something about this…"

The emobot cried some more, but stopped when it realized no one was paying attention to it.

"We really need to do something about THAT, too…"

Miroku nodded.

Sango had sprouted cat's whiskers, and was licking the back of her hand.

Miroku looked at her strangely.

"What?" she asked, looking back at the monk.

"I suppose I could get used to that as well…" he said, stroking his chin.

"Get used to what?"

Inuyasha butted in.

"I say, why don't we take a bit of advice from dear old Koga and head in that direction. More likely than not, he was flung from Naraku's fortress, perhaps we could find it and end all this silliness, yes yes?"

Everyone stared at Inuyasha blankly.

"What? Did I say something to alarm you all? Or do I have something in my teeth?"

"It's just that…coming from you…that was incredibly intelligent…" Sango said.

"Well, that's not very nice, luv, is it? Now then, shall we?"

Inuyasha turned and began walking towards Naraku's fortress, whistling a merry tune as he went.

"Anyone else disturbed by all this?" Kagome asked.

Everyone raised their hand.

* * *

Naraku had just sat down with a beer when the doorbell rang again.

"Mother fucker…" he cursed. "It's those Jehovah's Witnesses again, isn't it?"

He got up and peeked through the blinds. Sesshomaru was standing there patiently waiting.

Naraku opened the door.

"Why are you here?"

"I came here to kill you…and to pick up Kagura for our date," Sesshomaru said without wavering.

"Well, she's not here. And you can't kill me. I have a barrier, stupid. Only Inuyasha can break through my barrier. Didn't you see that episode?"

Sesshomaru sighed. "Yes, I remember that one. Can we fight already, I grow tired of being this short. I had enough of that during childhood."

"Very well. We'll go out to the courtyard. I just had the floors refinished, I'd rather not mess them up." He walked outside.

"Hmm…that can be very expensive. Aren't you afraid of ruining the rosebushes in the garden?"

"Bah. Those things would survive the Apocalypse. Ready?" Naraku removed his bathrobe and put his glasses in the pocket.

"Are you?" Sesshomaru countered, unsheathing Tokijin.

Just then, a voice was heard from a ways away.

"I say, old chap! Mind holding off a bit, eh? Wouldn't want to miss a bit of the fun, now, it'll be bloody entertaining."

"Inuyasha…that couldn't possibly be you…"

"No, no, 'tis I, my brother. You see, this old chap here, Naraku, he thought it'd be a scream to make us madder than wet hens by transforming each of us into something silly. Not very funny though, eh, old boy?"

Naraku laughed and screamed, "I disagree!" then began rolling on the ground in hysterics.

"You poor, misguided bloke…I dare say I'm going to have to end your bloody life right now…Hmm, indubitably," Inuyasha retorted.

Sesshomaru examined Inuyasha's party. "How do you intend to fight, Inuyasha? The monk looks half-dead, the demon slayer has become a cat girl, your priestess is just as useless as a half-breed than as a mortal, and …is that a… sad robot?"

"Oh, come now Sesshomaru, we're just as good as before! We're all chipper and good, ready to go, take the bull by the horns…"

"What exactly do you intend to do, Inuyasha? …Debate Naraku to death?"

Naraku roared with even more laughter at that comment.

"Why…I intend to do this…Iron Reaver Soul Stealer…yes, indeed…"

* * *

Next time…on the most idiotic story ever…How will Inuyasha fight as an English politician? Better? Worse? Could I have thought of something better for Kagome? What's up with that FLCL-inspired robot? Could it be the key to everything? Or just cannon fodder? Am I on drugs? Will this make sense at the end? Why has no one reviewed me yet? Don't you like me? Or hate me and want to flame me?

Anyway…one more chapter to go…then we can put all this insanity behind us and go to bed.


	4. Like a Ford Pinto in a Volcano

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter IV…Like a Ford Pinto in a Volcano

I don't own Inuyasha….But what if I did…..that'd be kinda scary, wouldn't it? Especially after reading this story of mine… ominous music

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* * *

"Have at thee!" Inuyasha cried, leaping at Naraku with a grace seen only by Olympic fencers.

Naraku was still convulsing with laughter on the ground.

Inuyasha rolled, striking Naraku down the back, and got to his feet without getting his suit jacket dirty. Naraku winced and stopped laughing.

"So…you are serious…Well, then…I guess you'll have to die."

Inuyasha said nothing, but drew his sword. He began swinging it, but not in the way he usually swings it…i.e. blindly. Nay, this time, he swung it with grace, and skill.

"How is it possible that he has gotten so much better with the Tetsusaiga since last I saw him use it?" Sesshomaru asked himself.

Naraku was thrown for a loop. He was having trouble guarding against Inuyasha's new swordsmanship.

"Ha ha! Parry! Block! Thrust! Have at thee!" Inuyasha crowed at his foe.

Naraku tried to keep his mind on the fight, but couldn't help but laugh at Inuyasha. He never expected his little trick to be this amusing to him. It was more than he had ever hoped.

Sesshomaru was about to join in when Kagura approached from the distance. She landed nearby.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Naraku has his hands full with a half-demon turned politician."

"Oh…kay…"

"Hmm."

"Come on, then! Parry! Thrust! Swipe! Have you no ability? Coward! Fight back, you yellow bastard!" Inuyasha taunted.

Naraku was afraid for his life for the third time.

_Shit. He's going to kill me if I don't act fast…but what can I do? _Naraku thought. Suddenly, it hit him…the perfect escape plan!

"Inuyasha! Hey! Look over there!" Naraku called, pointing in the opposite direction.

Without thinking, Inuyasha and Kagome turned and looked, while Naraku scampered off in the other direction, giggling like a moron.

Sesshomaru just stared blankly, looked at Kagura, who wore the same expression as he, and said, "Kagura…Did they just fall for that?"

Kagura let out a deep sigh. "Yep. Seems they did."

"Idiots."

Inuyasha was confused. "Why, there's nothing over there, old boy, I do think you're trying to pull my leg now." He suddenly realized what had just happened and cursed.

"Bloody hell! Damn it to bloody hell! That scoundrel! That slippery wicket! He pulled the wool over my eyes, he did! That sniveling coward! Bloody bugger! Stupid whore! Damn it all to the bowels of bloody hell in a bloody basket!"

Kagome slapped herself in the face with shame and looked at the ground.

Sango and Miroku slowly shook their heads.

The emobot was still slashing at its wrists with the knife, slowly grinding little shavings off. Eventually though, it gave up the knife and pulled out a revolver, which it held to its temple, its hand shaking.

Sesshomaru looked his half-brother in the eyes and said, "You dumb shit. You've let him get away…again…"

"I don't see you chasing after him, dear brother. You could've easily cut him off at the pass, stopped him dead in his tracks, put a stick in his spokes, but noooo…"

"Just what are you implying, half-breed?"

"That you're an incompetent twit, ignoring your duty and concerning yourself with trying to get into that young tart's knickers!"

"I'm wearing a kimono, asshole," Kagura said.

"My social life is none of your concern," Sesshomaru said.

"It is when people's lives are on the line! Look at us, the ragtag bunch of mongrels we are before you! Sango's a cat woman! Miroku had a robotic contraption emerge from his cranium! Kagome's a half demon, and I'm a proper English gentleman! Shippo curses more than I do after losing a bout of Halo to Kagome's brother! And you're over there…trying to get laid…You disgust me, Sesshomaru," Inuyasha said with intensity. He looked his brother right in the eyes and yelled, "I say 'Good Day' to you, sir!"

Sesshomaru said nothing for a long time. He pondered what Inuyasha had said and realized for the first time, Inuyasha was right about something. But he would never admit that to him.

"I don't quite know how to respond to that, Inuyasha."

"I _said_… _'Good day'_…" and with that Inuyasha turned his back on his brother and crossed his arms.

Everyone was staring at Inuyasha with shock. Did those words just come out of his mouth? Did he just mouth off to his brother like that?

Jaken and Rin were off to the side, also in shock.

"Oh, he dead, baby…he dead…" Jaken said.

Sango spoke up.

"Instead of us standing here like statues…why don't we chase after Naraku? It's not like he's running very fast. He just made it to the far end of the yard. And he's having trouble getting over the fence…" She pointed towards the back of the property, not 30 yards away. (27.411 meters for our Canadian friends)

Everyone directed their gaze towards Sango's gesture. Naraku was still giggling like a moron, but he was unable to get over the fence because of his great mass.

"He's gone mad! The poor bloke's gone completely batty! He's lost it! The engine's running but no one's in the carriage! He's a few clubs short of a straight! The torch is on but no one's holding it! The fag is burning, but no one's smoking it! His…"

"We get it, Inuyasha…Sit," Kagome called out

"Oy, blimey!"

Kagome drew up her bow, took aim, fired…

"Hit the… mark!"

The sacred arrow flew straight, light simultaneously pushing it forward and ejecting from it. Yes, the arrow flew straight…through the front window of Naraku's house, missing him by about…oh, a lot.

"DAMNIT!" Kagome cried out. "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! Every single time! Jesus Christ, every fucking single goddamn time I fucking miss! Talk about break under pressure, God fucking damn it! Mother fucker!"

Miroku, Sango, and Inuyasha were all surprised by Kagome's sudden outburst.

Kagome continued cursing and stomping around, while Naraku kept trying to hoist himself over the fence. He got close, but his beer gut kept him from going over and he fell back onto his ass.

"Oh, god, Naraku on his back…Naraku on his back, in the sun…" He began rocking back and forth, trying to right himself.

* * *

Koga had been icing his balls all day, but nothing was working. River water…snow from the mountain brought by Ayame…Icy Hot…okay, that one was a mistake, but now he knew why it was called Icy _Hot_. He regretted that. He thought about what Ginta had said…

"_Well, it has 'icy' in the name, so it must be cold, right? Maybe you could use it to help your nuts…"_

"_Where'd you get it, Ginta?" Koga asked weakly._

"_Kagome gave it me one of the last times we saw her. She said it was good for sore muscles. I meant to try it, but to be honest I forgot about it until just now."_

"_All right, let me see that tube…"_

_A few seconds later…_

"_Well, that's an odd feeling…It's kinda soothing…" But a few minutes later, Koga's mood changed, quite suddenly. _

"_Oh god! It burns! What the fuck is this shit! My balls are on fire!" screamed Koga. Alarm bells rang in his head, telling him that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong below the belt._

_Thinking quickly, he jumped into the river and attempted to rinse his dangly parts…but the sensation refused to quit. Panicking, he thrashed around in the water like a wounded fish._

"_I'll help you, Koga! Stay still!" Ginta called._

"_Stay away from me! Don't touch me!"_

_Ginta froze, torn between following Koga's orders, and his desire to help him regain control of himself._

_Eventually, Koga was able to overcome the pain, and emerged from the river, cold, wet, and shaking…_

"Naraku…that bastard…Inuyasha…he's a bastard, too…I'll kick both their asses…"

He composed himself and set out back in the direction Kagura had flung him, in search of revenge.

* * *

Kagura looked Sesshomaru up and down.

"We have to do something for you, come on, let's go into Naraku's lab. Maybe I can find the antidote," she said.

"Very well. I grow tired of these fools," the dog demon said, and he followed the wind witch into the house.

"He was in here for hours mixing various liquids…I thought he was making martinis for his Casino theme party next week. He invited everybody."

"I received no invitation."

"He just sent them out, like yesterday."

"Will there be blackjack?"

"Of course, what kind of Casino party doesn't have blackjack?"

"And five card? I've got the best poker face in all of Japan."

"There's going to be Five card and Hold 'Em. He's covered all the bases. I was hoping you guys would kill him before then, so I could host it…but at this rate…" she sighed.

"I know what you mean. Once I am returned to normal, I will see to it personally."

Kagura smiled.

* * *

"Look! Naraku is stuck!" Kagome cried out, pointing at the incapacitated villain.

"Get him! Kick him while he's down, lads and lasses!" Inuyasha yelled triumphantly as he charged towards Naraku.

"Oh, shit!" Naraku exclaimed.

"I've give you a good what for, now, you pathetic twit! Take this! And that! And some of this!"

Inuyasha began stomping and kicking Naraku in the ribs while he struggled to get up. Soon, Sango and Kagome were joining in, enthusiastically beating him with their shoes.

Naraku tried to think and did the only thing he could think of. He called upon the infamous miasma. It erupted from his body and engulfed the squad, and began to suffocate them.

"Good lord, that's foul! What manner of refuse did you ingest, pig?"

"Ha ha! Fear the wrath of taco night at Golden Corral! Mwah ha ha ha!"

Forced to retreat by the overwhelming potency of the miasma, Inuyasha and the others allowed Naraku to stand and prepare himself for more fighting.

"Prepared for another round of fisticuffs, Naraku?" Inuyasha called out.

Naraku stifled a laugh. "Fis-fisticuffs…?" he stuttered.

"Yes! Fisticuffs! Or perhaps you'd prefer pistols at dawn?"

"No, no, ahem… 'Fisticuffs' is just fine with me…" Naraku chuckled.

"Very well, then! Come on, then!"

Naraku charged at Inuyasha with a fury he hadn't shown before. He was determined to defeat Inuyasha this time, once and for all.

"Suffer," he commanded his enemy.

As he was about to strike Inuyasha, he felt a sharp pain down his spine. He abruptly stopped and turned to see Sesshomaru, back in his full glory, retracting his light whip, after slicing off a decent sized chunk of Naraku's back.

"How have you returned to normal?" Naraku questioned.

"None of your business, worm. And I am the one who addresses my foes with one word taunts," Sesshomaru said strongly. "Die."

He unsheathed Tokijin and flew at Naraku with unimaginable speed, slashing through him with ease. But Naraku simply reformed his body again, brushing off the blow as if it were nothing. Sesshomaru lashed out again and again, wounding Naraku repeatedly, but never inflicting a blow severe enough to kill him.

"What's the matter, Sesshomaru? Can't you defeat me?" Naraku laughed and said, "Perish."

Sesshomaru became angry. Charging at Naraku again he commanded, "Fail."

Naraku somehow managed to match Sesshomaru blow for blow, each time saying something to him.

"Lose," Naraku ordered Sesshomaru.

"Vanish," Sesshomaru replied.

"Fall."

"Expire."

"Um…Lose?"

"You said that one already," Sesshomaru pointed out with a smirk. "Burn." He thrust Tokijin through Naraku's heart, which was really Onigumo's heart, and killed him, causing Naraku to cry out and burst into flames. He was reduced to ashes in a matter of minutes.

Sesshomaru, feeling his job was done, put away Tokijin, collected Kagura and flew away with her. "So how about that drink, now, Kagura?"

"I'd be delighted, Sesshomaru. And maybe afterwards we can go back to your place and have rough sex."

Sesshomaru nodded in agreement.

Kagome, Sango, Inuyasha and Miroku all stared at Naraku's ashes on the ground before them.

"I say, that was rather unsatisfying…I didn't get to finish my fight with him…" Inuyasha said, disappointed.

"But Naraku's dead! That's something worth celebrating! Right?" Kagome cheered. "What?"

"Kagome…look at us…We're all stuck like this. Only Naraku knew how to undo his magic. Now we can't change back to normal," Sango said.

"Um, excuse me, lasses, but, uh, it appears we needn't lose hope just yet, for you see, Naraku is still alive and kicking," Inuyasha pointed out, gesturing to the ashes, which were slowly compiling into Naraku once more.

"Do you really think a sword to the heart would be enough to kill me? Hah!" Naraku called out. He swung a tentacle towards the group, but he only hit a shaking emobot, who still had the revolver to its temple, afraid to pull the trigger. But Naraku's strike jarred the robot, causing it to lose control of itself for a moment, and the gun fired, ejecting the bullet, which grazed the robot's skull and set off a chain reaction inside its head.

"Error…error…programming compromised…initiate back up programming…" A CD drive opened from the robot's torso, and from it came a jet of Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, and other Emo CDs, which rained upon Naraku, and Shippo, who happened to be in the way.

"SHIT! FUCK! Kagome, I'm bleeding!" Shippo cried out, after being cut by the CDs.

"Oh my god, Shippo!" Kagome ran over to him and picked him up. His blood spilled out onto her. "Inuyasha, take him, let me get my first aid kit!"

Inuyasha took the bleeding fox in his arms and tried to calm him down.

"There, there, chap, it'll be alright…Calm down now, eh?" Shippo was bleeding everywhere. Blood shot over to Jaken and Rin, splattering them where they stood. Kirara, who was underfoot, got hit with a big glob dripping from Inuyasha's sleeves.

Kagome called out, "Sango, help me! I can't find the bandages!" Sango ran over to Kagome and helped her search, while Inuyasha handed the bloody Shippo over to Miroku.

"Stupid machine! You hurt the little bugger! You need to work on your aim, there, chap! Bloody idiot." Inuyasha spat on the ground, and then wiped his lips reflexively, forgetting about the blood on his sleeve, which got into his mouth.

"Ugh!" he exclaimed, spitting out the blood. "What the deuce?" Suddenly, a change began to overtake Inuyasha. His hair began to grow longer, his fingernails into claws, and his ears shrank to nothing, before reappearing on top of his head.

"Well, it's about time…"

Kagome was also affected suddenly, and she gasped.

"I feel strange!" Her body contorted briefly, but soon, she was a human again, as she should be. Miroku began regaining his color and vigor, and as Sango attempted to bandage Shippo's wounds, she too began to return to her natural form.

"It makes no sense…" Naraku said, exasperated. "They weren't supposed to be able to break the spell on their own!" Then, he remembered his encounter with Koga earlier…

…_Naraku looked into his coffee cup, contemplated, then threw the contents in Koga's face._

"_PPBBLT!" Koga yelled, spitting. "What the fuck? What is this?"_

"_The blood of the innocent. Fresh Squeezed…"_

"Shit!" Naraku exclaimed. "The blood of the innocent!" He looked at Shippo. "Son of a bitch!"

"Ha. The little shit was good for something after all!"

Kagome looked at Inuyasha, slightly disappointed. "I'm going to miss the politeness and the manners, but oh well…At least his ears are back…"

Inuyasha twitched.

"I'm going to kill you know, Naraku! Backlash Wa-" he called out.

"Hey! Look over there!" Naraku shouted, pointing.

"Oh no, I ain't falling for that again!" Inuyasha yelled back.

"No, really, look!"

Inuyasha turned, and saw a whirlwind approaching.

"Mutt-face! Douchebag! Prepare for the beating of your lives!" Koga barked, with rage.

Inuyasha had a shit expression on his face.

"Right in the middle of my Backlash Wave, you gotta show up!" he yelled in annoyance.

"Hey! Hey! Look at me!" Naraku shouted.

"Shut up, mangy mutt, I'll show up when I want to!" Koga fired back at Inuyasha.

"Hey! Heeey! Come on, look at me! Guys! Look at me!" Naraku continued, backing away slowly.

"You wanna die, flea-bitten wolf?" Inuyasha retorted.

"Bring it on, dog-boy!" Koga shouted.

"Look at me! I'm escaping! Ha ha!" Naraku called out, continuing to back away

"SHUDDAP!" shouted Koga and Inuyasha at the same time.

Naraku became furious. Here he was, trying to have some fun by humiliating his closest enemies, and now here they are, disrupting his beer time, and they aren't even paying attention to him. _I'll teach them to ignore me…_ Naraku thought. He did the first thing that came to mind…He kicked Koga in the sack.

"OOF! Why does this keep happening to meee…?" Koga whined, as he collapsed for the third time.

"Stop ignoring me! Raar! Wait, what's that thing doing?" Naraku said, looking at the emobot.

There were lights flashing inside its head, and numbers and digits were flashing by its eyes in rapid succession.

"Initiate operation mode 2…Transforming…in 5…4…3…"

"What the hell is it doing?" Inuyasha asked.

"…2…1…Transform!"

The robot folded in on itself several times, until it had compressed itself into a short barrel, with a trigger, a stock, and a sight. The robot had turned into a shoulder-mounted guided missile launcher.

It began to emit a bright light and hover…and when Inuyasha neared it, it floated towards him. He picked it up, held it in his arms…felt overcome by its potential…

"My god…Kagome, can you feel the aura this thing is putting out? It's like 5 Tetsusaiga's!"

Kagome could indeed feel it, and was shocked.

So was Naraku. "Fi-Five Tetsusaiga's…? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck this…Fuck this shit, I'm getting out of here!" He ran, actually ran this time, trying to escape with effort.

Inuyasha laughed, giddy with anticipation. He raised his new toy, aimed, and pulled the trigger.

FOOM

The missile was launched directly at Naraku, who immediately tried to fly away with the Sanyosho.

But he was too slow. The missile had already locked onto his energy signature, and was closing in fast. It connected, and erupted into a ball of fire, smoke, plasma, and molten shrapnel. Naraku's body was torn asunder by the explosion, sending pieces flying miles in each direction.

When the smoke began to dissipate , Inuyasha, covered in gunpowder and smoke residue, wore an expression of pure bliss combined with shock. The crater he had created was larger than anything he had ever made before with his Tetsusaiga. Everyone else was simply shocked, as well as lying on the ground, thrown there by the force of the blast.

After about ten or twenty minutes, the smoke had entirely cleared, and Inuyasha, still stunned, began to laugh.

"Ha ha! Oh my god…Oh my god! OWNED! FUCKING OWNED! DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT? FUCKING SMOKED HIM!" Inuyasha shouted. He jumped up and beat the air with his fist in celebration. Everyone slowly got up and joined in with Inuyasha's laughter.

"WHAT! You can't mess with that! You can't touch that! OWNED! TOTALLY FUCKING OWNED!" Inuyasha screamed at the meager puff of smoke that remained of Naraku.

He put down the missile launcher, grabbed Kagome's hands and started dancing and laughing with her. They had done it. Naraku had been defeated…Inuyasha had gotten some from Kagome…Sesshomaru was going to score…Everybody was back to normal.

* * *

Sesshomaru woke up in a place he did not recognize. Kagura was asleep, nude, next to him, covered in sweat, tangled up in the sheets, as was he. There were empty beer bottles and cans all over the room, as well as a significant amount of clothing. He looked around. As he got up, Kagura roused from slumber.

"Where're you going? Come back to bed…" she said sleepily.

"What did we do last night, Kagura? It looks like a war-zone in here."

"You don't remember? You were pretty tanked…"

"If I did anything in a drunken stupor that would damage my reputation…"

"Sessy, I don't remember what happened last night either…Come to think of it, where are we?"

"It appears to be a hotel. But nothing like I've ever seen before…"

Just then, a very scared naked woman ran out of the bathroom…followed by a very scared naked man…then another woman…and another man…then a thing…and a goat.

"Hmm…I'm not sure I _want_ to know what went on last night…" Sesshomaru said.

"Must've been fun, though…" Kagura said.

"Indeed."

* * *

Koga slowly woke up as someone patted his face. It was Ginta.

"Get up, Koga, the fanfic's over," he said.

"Already? But I was barely in it! I was unconscious half the time!"

"What do you want me to do? It's over, you can't go back in time. Unless you're a pubescent Japanese schoolgirl who happens to be the reincarnation of a priestess, and whose family owns a shrine with a sacred well and a sacred tree, and…"

"I get it. Goddamnit. I'm going to beat the shit out of this author…"

Just then Hakkaku showed up.

"Here, boss, I got this for your balls. Catch." Hakkaku threw a bag full of ice at Koga, but Koga was all with it, and the bag went through his hands and landed right in his lap.

He winced with pain.

"Son of a…"

* * *

Well, folks…that's the end…It was a good run, but it's over. I had a hell of a good time writing this, and I hope you all had a good time reading it. I hope to see reviews after I put this chapter up. If inspiration strikes in the future, maybe I'll make another comedy. I'll be around…

-grayfox01


	5. I Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near a Keyboard

Chapter V…I Shouldn't Be Allowed Near a Keyboard

Mwah ha ha ha… It picks up a few weeks after Chapter IV. There might be some serious parts, but I'll try and keep it funny as well. Expect more parody and randomness. Chance of rain 60. Winds WSW, 12 mph.

Giddy-up, go.

* * *

"Sigh," said Koga, among the chirping crickets of the night. 

"What's the matter, boss?" Hakkaku asked. "You seem down."

"I am, Hakkaku. Now that Naraku's dead, I've got nothing really left to do. I want to hang out with Kagome, but I don't want to be near that stupid mutt-face."

"Maybe you could chase him off?"

"Naw. That would make Kagome sad. And then she wouldn't sleep with me."

"So killing him is out of the question?" Ginta asked.

"Yeah. I would if I could, but this author won't let me. And I have to do and say everything he commands. No matter how ridiculous and/or out of character."

Koga got up and pondered his existence.

"Hmmm…maybe I should join a cult…"

A meteor streaked by in the night sky. Koga looked at it and made a wish.

"I wish Kagome would leave Inuyasha…"

Yeah…good luck with that, buddy. Not while _I'm_ writing this shit.

"Fuck you," Koga said, angrily.

I'll pass, thanks. Oh, this'll really fry your bacon…Kagome had sex with Inuyasha in chapter 2 of the last story.

"WHAT?!"

Use it on the field!

"Mother fucker…"

* * *

Sango and Miroku sat around in the early morning sunlight, yawning, struggling to stay awake. Soon afterwards, a very well rested Kagome emerged from a hut nearby, stretched, and greeted her friends. 

"Good morning, you guys! I feel great today!" she said, bubbly.

"Humph," Sango and Miroku said in unison.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing…I'm just glad _some people_ got some sleep last night…" Sango said, irritated by lack of sleep.

"What do you mean?" Kagome asked, not understanding.

"It's kind of hard to fall asleep," Miroku began. "now that we've defeated Naraku once and for all."

"Why? I'd think you guys would sleep better. Especially you, Miroku, now that your Wind tunnel's gone."

"You would think that…But it's not the case."

"Indeed," Sango said. "For you see Kagome, even though Miroku, Shippo and myself spent the night in that hut," she pointed to a hut across the path, then continued. "at the request of you and Inuyasha…"

"…We were unable to get to sleep because of the constant cries of passion that escaped from your hut every few minutes," Miroku continued.

Kagome turned redder than Inuyasha's MC Hammer pants.

Inuyasha emerged from the hut, with a smile on his face, and a bounce in his step. He stopped when he saw the haggard faces staring angrily at him.

"Uh…hi guys, what's going on? What's with those looks?"

Kagome pulled him aside.

"Inuyasha…we've been keeping them awake…"

Inuyasha was silent.

"At night…"

He looked at her vacantly.

"With the noise…"

Blank stare.

"We're too loud when we have sex!" yelled Kagome. _Jeez, I got to spell it out for you? _She thought.

"It's true Inuyasha. Sango and I have not been able to sleep a full night ever since Naraku was defeated. At first it was amusing, hearing you two going at it like that…" Miroku said.

"Maybe even cute," Sango cut in.

"…But now it's just aggravating. I've no desire to do anything but lie down. I don't even have the energy to grope Sango's glorious backside," Miroku continued.

"And I don't have the energy to slap him after he does," Sango interrupted again.

"Realize this, Inuyasha and Kagome. Even after hearing that from Sango, I still don't have the energy to grope her."

Inuyasha and Kagome were stunned.

"I…we…I didn't realize we were being that loud…I'm so sorry," Kagome said.

Inuyasha stood there silently. He was torn between feeling bad for keeping them awake…and proud for being that good in bed.

Just then, Kagome felt a twang.

"I sense a jewel shard! A giant one!"

"Have fun going after it," Miroku said.

"Why, aren't you coming?"

"Fuck, no! I'm going back to bed! Maybe I'll be able to rest, now that you two beasts will be away!"

"I'm inclined to agree with Miroku," Sango said. "I'm not going anywhere for the next 10 hours."

"Whatever," Inuyasha said with a shrug. "Have a good rest."

As they walked off, Inuyasha said, "Heh. You're the loud one, Kagome. I wonder if you're part demon…"

"Shut up!" Kagome said, laughing.

Sango and Miroku were finally alone with each other. All alone. Except for each other. No one else around to interrupt…if, say, they were to…do…something…cough

Yes, they could finally do what they've always wanted to do…

Go to sleep.

What? What were you thinking? …Perverts.

* * *

"The shard is getting closer! I think this is the shard Naraku had!" Kagome exclaimed. "If it is, we'll have the whole thing!" 

"Awesome. Then what?" Inuyasha asked.

"I don't know…no one really does…"

"Party?"

"Most likely."

"…sexy party?"

"Most likely."

* * *

They came upon a clearing, where Kagome got the shock of her life. 

"Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "The shard is right there!"

"Where?"

"There!" she said, pointing at a lump of rotting flesh. "Ewww…"

Inuyasha went over to it, and examined it closely.

"You sure?"

"Yes! The whole chunk is right there!"

Inuyasha hesitated, then plunged his hand into the lump of decaying matter. He gagged a little bit, but then produced a large glowing pink rock.

"Holy shit."

Kagome jumped up and down with excitement and took the jewel from Inuyasha, purifying the rotten meat around it. She took out her vial of jewel shards and using her powers, fused them together.

"We're still missing a piece of it…About two shards worth…" she said to Inuyasha.

"…Koga…"

* * *

Koga, for some reason or another, had decided to visit the village where the Bone-eater's Well was. He felt drawn there, for a reason only the author could explain…but for some reason chose not to. Cause he didn't know what it was. He was making it up as he went along. Whatever came into his head, he typed. It was getting to a point where- 

"Get on with it!" screamed Koga. "Jesus Christ..."

STFU! Anyway, Koga was traveling towards the village, when the wind shifted, and he could smell his favorite scent in the world…Kagome.

Still troubled about what the author had told him earlier, Koga vowed to talk to Kagome. He needed to hear from her what the author had basically told him…that Kagome was with Inuyasha…in bed…every night…all night long…Koga was very saddened…Almost to the point of finding those Emo CDs the emobot had ejected from itself in the last story, and waiting until the CD player was invented so he could listen to them and cry himself to sleep.

"I'm not that sad."

Yes you are. He was so sad, that the author decided to cut him some slack later in the story.

"Really?"

Yes. But you're going to have to earn it.

"Oh no…"

The author laughed evilly.

* * *

Kagome and Inuyasha returned to Sango and Miroku's hut and left them a note saying they'd gone back to Kaede's village to tell her about the success with the jewel. Kaede was thrilled when they told her. 

"Ay! That's very good of ye! I am in awe! The entire Jewel of Four Souls is in ye hands!" Kaede said.

"Well…it's not quite the entire jewel…there're still two more shards that we need…" Kagome corrected her.

"Mine," said a deep voice.

"Koga…" Kagome said.

"I thought I smelled you, mangy wolf…"

"Not now Inuyasha. I just need to talk to Kagome…then I'll be on my way."

"What do you mean, 'talk?' The hell does that mean?"

"The author told me something, and I need to hear it from Kagome."

"Then ask away, wolf."

Koga looked annoyed.

"Can we get some privacy?"

"How do I know you won't just kidnap her and take off like the first time we met?"

Koga looked at Inuyasha, walked up to him, and put something in his hand.

"How's that?"

Inuyasha opened his hand and saw two jewel shards.

"Feh. You got five minutes, then I'm coming back in." He left.

Kagome looked at Koga and thought, _What could the author have told him that would make him act like this?_

Koga looked at Kagome and said, "Kagome I'm going to be blunt."

"Okay."

"The author told me that you're screwing Inuyasha."

"Eep!" Kagome turned bright red.

"Is it true?"

Kagome looked at Koga and said, "Yes. I'm sorry, Koga, it's just that, well…He's a main character, I'm a main character…and you…well, you're just a foil…"

Koga wanted desperately to become Emo.

"I see…" He looked at her again and said, "Goodbye, Kagome."

As he left, he offered his hand to Inuyasha.

"What's this? You're not getting the jewel back, if that's what you're after…"

"Just shake my hand, mutt-face."

Inuyasha shook Koga's hand, and Koga started down the road, back to where he ordered Hakkaku and Ginta to wait.

"I don't get it!" Inuyasha called after him. "What just happened?"

Koga just waved.

* * *

Koga finally realized what a douchebag he was. He also realized he would never get laid. Poor, sad, Emo Koga. 

"I'm not Emo. I'm not even that sad."

Yes you are. You just got dumped. Although, technically, you got dumped years ago. And didn't realize it. How's that make you feel?

"Shitty. How else?"

Want a tissue?

"Go to hell."

Ouch. Koga was pissy now, too. By the time he got back to Hakkaku and Ginta, it was very late. They were surprised to see him walking towards them, looking slightly down at the ground.

"What's wrong, Koga? You look Emo…" Ginta asked gently.

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong!" Koga snapped.

"Whoa! Calm down, Koga…"

"What happened, boss? Something happened…" Hakkaku said.

"None of yer damn business!" Koga barked, and sat down.

Hakkaku and Ginta began gossiping amongst themselves and the wolves.

"Maybe he got dumped…He wasn't running, maybe he had to give up the jewel shards…Maybe he's Emo…"

"I'm not EMO!"

Koga stood up and started to run away, but he was so used to his insane speed caused by the shards, that he had forgotten how to run slowly, and ended up tripping over himself and falling. A lot. Hakkaku and Ginta just watched as their boss tried to escape and go be alone again.

"Should we go after him?"

"Nah, let him be for a bit."

* * *

Koga ran off, crying like a little girl who had just seen a truckload of puppies blow up as it collided with an ice cream truck driven by Santa Claus. 

"I'm not crying!"

Yes you are.

"No I'm not!" he felt the tears running down his face. "Son of a bitch, I am…Goddamnit."

Told you. Next time you better recognize. So on Koga ran, realizing his limitations now that he had no jewel shards anymore. He finally realized how weak he actually was without the jewel, and saw why Kagome didn't like him.

"She wouldn't want to be with someone this weak…" he thought. He was half right. She wouldn't want to be with someone that weak…named Koga. (Ooh, burn)

"What is your problem with me? Why do you do this to me?" Koga said through tears.

…I…I just plain don't like you as a character. You were introduced as the second biggest asshole in the universe, and then suddenly we're all supposed to accept you as a good guy, and completely disregard the fact that you ordered your wolves to kill everyone in the village, then kidnapped Kagome with the intent to eat her when she stopped being of use, then you talked of possibly raping her! And we're supposed to accept you? I think not. You're a murderer, a kidnapper, and a possible sex offender. Koga, in this episode, you're my bitch. Deal with it.

Koga looked ahead blankly, the tears stopping, slowing to a trickle, finally ceasing entirely. He was coming down off his Emoness.

"I'm not Emo."

The author ignored Koga's cries of denial of his true form. Koga ended up running until he passed out…which was about 5 minutes later.

"Fuck you. I'm not that weak," Koga spat. Then he collapsed. "Arrgh!"

* * *

Inuyasha asked Kagome again, "What just happened here? I'm so confused." 

Kagome looked Inuyasha in the eyes and said, "I just told Koga that he has no chance with me, and he took it kind of hard."

Inuyasha's mood greatly improved, now that he knew that Koga knew Inuyasha and Kagome were an item, and he was the third wheel.

"Inuyasha…don't get any ideas about going after him and gloating…You'll get sat several times if you do. He's been hurt enough for one day."

Inuyasha twitched on the inside. He had been thinking of doing just that. But the threat of a sitting made him think twice.

"But I thought you didn't care about him. So what if he gets hurt?"

Kagome looked at him and said, somewhat shocked, "Inuyasha! I don't hate him! I just broke his heart, can't we leave him alone for a while so he can get over it? How would you feel if I had gone the other way and you were the one sulking in the forest?"

Inuyasha thought for a moment, and said, "I'd feel like a piece of shit."

"Exactly. So leave him alone. We have to decide what to do with the jewel."

"You know, that whole full fledged demon thing…I don't know…It's not calling out to me anymore like it used to…"

"…Yeah…I would hope so…I don't really want to be killed when we have sex…"

"Yeah…So what could we do with it then? Once people know we have the whole thing, we'll have demons coming out of our asses trying to steal it."

"Hmm…Well, we need to do something good with it…"

"Hmm…"

Kagome sighed. "I got nothing."

"Same here. God, this is harder than I thought it would be."

Just then, the author cut in. Why not use it to keep the well open and let anyone through who wishes to do so under pure intentions? And you only tell those who you want that they can do that.

Kagome and Inuyasha both rolled the suggestion over in their heads.

"Brilliant!" shouted the guy from the Guinness commercials.

"I agree with that guy. Let's do it!"

And then they did something really cool and the jewel was purified and the well stayed open forever and ever and they only told a few people that they could go through the well and all that happy fun stuff that I don't feel like describing right now. The next chapter will do some stuff and blah blah blah whatever.

* * *

Yeah, I got lazy at the end. So? Next chapter when I get to it. Bye. 


	6. Years Later and I’m Still a Jackass

Some kind of thing or something with edits...

Ch VI….Years Later and I'm Still a Jackass

Yeah…so it's been a while, huh? A long while…How's, uh, how's everybody doing? Hanging in there? Keeping it real? Sticking it to the man? Good, good…How're your parents doing? Tell them I say, "Hey."

Alright, let's skip the bullshit. I know that you want the fanfic, and you know that Inuyasha isn't my property, so here we go.

DING FILE'S DONE!

* * *

The well is now open for nearly anyone and everyone to travel through at will. Anyone with half a brain can see the potential trouble this could cause, but as with any awesome thing, there's a catch: You can only go through it if your intentions are born from the purity of one's heart…gag…sorry, it had to be said. (I'm probably going to break this rule a few times, but that's not important, so don't attack me for it.) 

Yeah, so anyway, the Jewel was purified, finally, after all these years of trying, and now everyone sat around, trying to figure out what to do next.

"Hmm…" muttered Inuyasha.

"We could…no…" said Sango.

"What about…nah…" Miroku began.

"Hey, I know! …Oh wait…" Kagome trailed off.

Since the jewel was gone and Naraku was dead, what else could they possibly need to do? The author was troubled, perhaps he had written himself into a corner…again…Son of a…mother.

Just them Shippo piped up, "Hey, Kagome? You said anyone can travel through the well, right? Well, what if we all went to your time to see what it was like?"

Miroku and Sango agreed, and it was decided they would leave the next morning. First, however, Kagome had some arrangements to make, so she and Inuyasha left to go do that. Kagome figured she should probably tell her mother that they were going to have some company for a while. Might be the considerate thing to do. So off they went.

"I wonder what Kagome's world is like…" Shippo thought out loud.

"She's described it to us so many times, Shippo, if only you'd paid attention," Miroku said.

"Well, no matter how many times someone describes something to you, Miroku, it still won't be the way you picture it from their descriptions. Jeez, why are you so moody? Has Inuyasha's temper rubbed off on you?" Shippo fired back.

"No, Shippo, he's a little snippy since losing his wind tunnel. You'd think it would make him happy, but I think he misses the power he could command with it," Sango explained.

Shippo nodded and Kirara mewled in agreement. Miroku looked annoyed, and Sango was taken aback.

"What? Am I wrong?" she asked.

Miroku hesitated, then answered, "No, you're not wrong, it's just…I don't like people reading my mind…"

Sango laughed, but stopped when she felt a hand on her bum.

"At least that part of his personality hasn't changed…wait, it that a good thing or a bad thing?"

SMACK!

"I can no longer use my favorite pick-up line on the local maidens…" Miroku said, distant from the conversation.

"It never worked anyway…" Shippo interjected.

"…and that was a part of my life that I will never forget…Ah, the memories…"

Miroku flashed back…

"_Excuse me, will you bear my child?" SMACK!_

"_Excuse me, miss? Will you bear my children?" SMACK!_

"_Pardon me, I wonder if you'd consider bearing my children?" SMACK!_

"Ahh, the memories…Ow, the memories…" he said, holding his face from the many times Sango hit him for propositioning other women. "You know, Sango, you are very jealous sometimes…It's almost as if…" Miroku paused, as he thought about what he had just stumbled across. And to add dramatic effect.

Sango looked nervous. "As…as if…as if what?" she stammered. Miroku began to lean in close to her as he spoke. Sango's breathing quickened the closer he got.

"As if…you were in lo-"

PPPBBBBLLT!!

Just then Shippo farted really loud. Miroku and Sango's moment was ruined by last night's burrito experiment. Shippo turned redder than a Soviet flag, and quickly ran off as Miroku and Sango glared at him, with unspeakable acts on their minds.

Miroku tried to restore the mood, but to no avail. The young fox demon's flatulence had completely scattered the romance in the air, replacing it with…well…I think you know…someone light a match…

Miroku sighed.

Sango sighed, and sat there with her hands folded on her lap. The awkward silence was too much for Miroku to bear…

So he groped her.

Sango sighed again.

SMACK!

* * *

Koga felt a little better. He was still very, very Emo, but not as much as before. He had found the CDs left behind by the Emobot, and actually found the Emobot, discarded in a heap after Inuyasha found out it was only a one shot deal. (He was very disappointed when he found that out) Koga somehow managed to make the Emobot power up enough to listen to the CDs, and once he did, he realized that he wasn't as sad and pathetic as he originally thought…although he was still sad and pathetic… 

"Can we get on with it?" Koga asked.

Sure, sure…So, for yet another unknown reason, Koga found himself wandering toward the Bone-eater's well. What drew him there? Kagome's scent? The fact that he wasn't over her yet? A plot device? No one really knows…not even the author…But, as stated before, he found himself walking towards the village, and as he approached, Kaede came out to greet him at the edge of it.

"What brings ye back this way, Koga? I thought ye would want to distance yeself from this place, as it is where ye had ye heart ripped out by Kagome?"

"…Why is everyone so mean to me?" Koga sobbed internally. "Um…I was just walking, and found myself here. What does it mean?"

Kaede shrugged.

Koga looked at the ground.

"Well, this was a productive conversation, wouldn't you agree?" Koga asked.

"Aye."

"So the jewel is really gone, eh?"

"Aye, it is. Finally."

"Hmm."

"Would ye care for a cup of tea with an old lady?"

"Sure, why not."

AN: What? Why are you looking at me like that? What are you…WHAT? Dude, it's a cup of tea! You're sick! Why would I…You really think I'd hook up Koga with Kaede? Man, you people are disgusting…She's, like, old and stuff! No! Wrong! BAD images! Blech!

So after Koga finished nailing Kaede… author stifles a laugh

AN: I'M KIDDING! Jeez, I told you I'm not that sick. Good lord…

Over tea, the wolf demon and the old priestess discussed the jewel, Kagome, Inuyasha, and other things.

"But why Inuyasha? What does he have that I don't? I mean, I'm a full demon, and he's only a stupid half-breed! Why does she like that mutt over me?"

"As I recall, Koga, you did threaten to rape and kill her when ye first met her. Ye can't expect a lady to fall for ye after an experience like that."

"Hmm…I guess not…"

"And I believe Kagome explained it best when she said ye were only a foil, whereas she and Inuyasha are main characters…"

"…damn literary devices…"

"Aye."

"So, what did they end up using the jewel for?"

"Oh…um…well…it's best if ye don't know…News spreads fast, and I won't be the one to take the blame for …'spilling the beans' …as they say in Kagome's time."

"Oh, come on, who am I going to tell?" Koga pried.

"Hakkaku and Ginta," Kaede said bluntly.

"And who're they going to tell?"

Kaede stared at him with a look that said, "It's Hakkaku and Ginta."

Koga understood and nodded.

"What if I swear to you that I will never tell those two?"

"Nay, I cannot reveal the secret. If others were to know that the well were open to all who wish to travel between this world and Kagome's, gods know what chaos would erupt."

Koga smirked, and Kaede realized she had slipped up.

"Oh, dear…"

"Thanks, Kaede. You've been a big help. And don't worry, I won't tell anyone…"

He got up and left, heading for the well.

Kaede sighed. "Oh, dear…'Whoopsie' doesn't even begin to cover this one…"

* * *

Well, I'm going to stop this one here for the moment. I'll pick it up later when I get more inspiration. It's kind of a short chapter, but…at least it's a chapter. It's only been, what? Months? Yeah. Anyway…I'm rambling. Later. 

-teh fox


	7. Humorous Chapter Title

Ch VII…Humorous Chapter Title

It has been awhile. Does anyone even remember me? Does anyone even really read these stories? I could give you an elaborate reason why I haven't written anything, but it would be a lie. I just had no ideas. So…yeah…I'm just going to make shit up as I go along and we'll see how it turns out, then, eh?

Now with 30 less fat! But 80 more crap!

* * *

Koga emerged from the well, trying to be stealthy but failing in every aspect because he wears a tiny mini-skirt. 

It was night for some reason, even though it was, like, noon-ish when he entered the well…time travel is retarded…Anyway, it was night and it was cold, and kind of damp out.

He shivered in his tiny mini-skirt.

"I hate you so much right now, you don't even know," Koga said to the author.

Don't blame me, Koga. Rumiko was the one who gave you a tiny mini-skirt. It's not my fault you're a cross-dresser.

Koga knew from experience that the only place he'd fit in was the red light district, with all the hookers and she-males, so he followed the smell of skank and found himself at a street corner occupied by questionable ladies of the night.

"Excuse me, ladies?" Koga asked, trying not to sound interested in their services.

One of them approached him, eyeballed him, and said, in an extremely husky voice, "Are you the new girl? You'll never get any with a chest that flat."

"Um…what? I'm a guy…" Koga began to fear for whatever shred of manhood he had.

"So am I…only during the day, though…Look sweetie, you gotta look like a chick for the desperate ones to pick ya up, and then, bam! That's when you surprise them with the pork sword," the hooker said, followed by a chesty, nasty, phlegmy cough. "If they're really, really desperate, they won't care, but if they start to freak out, you gotta either turn up the charm or run like hell."

"Oh god…Um, no…I'm not…I just want…" The terror built inside him, and he began to sweat like a guy who was sweating a lot. (great simile, huh?)

"What? You looking for some action, sailor?" Again with the disgusting hacking cough.

Koga panicked. And he did what he always does when faced with a dead end challenge…he made like a tree and got the fuck out of there.

He booked, too. The last he wanted was to be sexually assaulted by Man-Faye. However, the tranny wasn't done with him.

"Hey, where ya goin'? I can rock yer world, baby! I'll do things your woman can't because of her anatomy!" The hooker coughed again.

Koga continued to run, faster than he ran before, when he was crying in the woods and denying his inner emo self. He ran because even though the author makes fun of him for being gay, he isn't actually a homosexual…or at least that's what he keeps telling himself…

Koga ran until he couldn't run anymore…which was like, 2 blocks…Koga stopped and hid behind a building. He could still see the trannies on the street corner, and for some reason, he felt compelled to watch them. He had heard of men dressing as women as part of some strange fetish, but he had never witnessed it first hand. The curiosity was too much. He decided to get a closer look, and since the building he was hiding behind was only three stories, it would be a good vantage point from which they couldn't see him.

Using what little, actual, non-jewel inspired physical strength he had, Koga climbed the fire escape and crawled onto the roof, where he peered down at the she-males below. And he sat and watched as they stood around, waiting for a John.

Eventually, a car pulled up, with a brown haired young man behind the wheel. One of the she-males leaned into the car, and Koga could faintly hear a financial transaction taking place, before "she" got in the car and it drove away.

Koga was surprised, but at the same time not surprised, since feudal Japan was full of brothels. However, the prospect of the drive-thru brothel was new to him, and it took him a minute to fully comprehend what just happened.

"I need to find some new clothes…Even though I love this min-skirt, I need to fit in in Kagome's time, or someone will see me and flip out when they realize who I am. And how powerful and strong and awesome I am."

* * *

The morning came, and Koga woke up next to a bum in the alley in which he had fallen asleep. 

"Fuck," the bum mumbled. "This guy smells like shit."

"And what? You smell like roses?" Koga snapped back, getting up and leaving the alley.

"Fuckin' bum."

The early morning brought about an insane amount of pedestrians, and Koga realized he was screwed.

"So much for keeping a low profile…Now all these people are going to witness my greatness and cause chaos…"

Yeah, they all ignored him. The Japanese are a busy people. They have stuff to do. They don't care about some guy in a skirt. I'm sure most of them have seen weirder shit in the grocery store. Koga was grateful that no one freaked out, but at the same time, saddened because even in this time, he was insignificant…

Aw, shed a tear… colon apostrophe open parentheses :'(

Yeah, anyway…So Koga wandered the streets of Tokyo like a tourist, amazed for hours at how much the world he once occupied had changed and looked nothing like he remembered.

But just then, there was a scene change.

* * *

(Oh god, too much headphone wire! HELP! It's attacking! Oh GOD! Why did I need 25 feet of it??) 

Ahem. Anyway…Kagome for some reason has still not graduated from high school…It couldn't be from her .00000000000000001 attendance record or anything…so she had to go to school, while Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango and the rodent that is Shippo waited at her house. With nothing to do. Except sit around awkwardly in Kagome's house. Doing nothing and being very, very boring.

"So, Inuyasha, what did you do when you would come here and Kagome would have to go to class?" Sango asked.

Inuyasha blinked rapidly. He knew what he did when Kagome was gone and he was left alone in the house. But he certainly would not say it in front of Kagome's mother, nor in front of Sango, nor in front of anyone, actually.

"Um, Inuyasha?" Miroku asked.

"Huh? Oh…I usually, um…sleep…Yeah, I lay around and do nothing…"

"Really," Miroku said, not believing him at all.

"Yup."

Shippo coughed.

"What was that?" Inuyasha growled at Shippo.

"I coughed, you punk!" Shippo snorted back.

"My ass, you did! You said something, you little shit!"

"I just coughed! Get over yourself!"

"Go play in traffic!"

"Maybe I will!"

"You won't do it, you're all talk!"

"Watch me, dick!"

"Talk!"

Shippo left the house, slamming the door behind him, and wandered off into the abyss of the city.

"Inuyasha, I don't think you should let him out on his own like that," Sango said.

"Feh, he'll be fine. He's probably just going to sit around in the garden and dig holes," Inuyasha said, dismissing her concern.

* * *

Shippo got on the subway and rode it until he felt like getting off. When he emerged from the terminal and found himself deep in the heart of the city, he was a mix of scared and excited. Here he was, in a place he had never been, with new sights and people and…ugh. All that bullshit. 

And just as it seemed like it was going somewhere, there was another scene change.

* * *

Koga did not have a clue where the hell he was. There were too many smells to follow any particular one, and sadly, Koga is illiterate, so signs were useless to him. He was afraid to ask anyone for help for fear of drawing too much attention to himself, so he kept wandering, getting more lost which each step. He did notice something odd, though. He kept seeing signs with pictures of people on it wearing funny clothes…clothes like his…For lack of anything better, Koga followed the signs and found himself at a strange cultic gathering. 

Koga saw several strangely dressed individuals enter a convention center, so he followed them in.

"What is going on?" he said aloud, looking around. "These women are scantily clad, and these guys look simply ridiculous. Phony weapons, fake horns, makeup…what is this?"

"The fuck are you talking about? How do you not know what this is, you're in costume like the rest of us," a voice said.

"Huh?" Koga spun and faced a guy dressed like an obese Ed Elric (of course Koga didn't know that). "What is this?"

"It's a cosplay convention. Are you a noob or something?"

"Cosplay? What's that? And what's a noob?"

"Wow. Woooowww. Cosplay, dude. When you dress up like your favorite anime character? How can you not know, you're dressed like Koga."

"Anime? And how do you know me?"

"You are a noob. Jeez…and this costume is all wrong. The skirt is not short enough and this tail is just beat. What, did you leave it in the woods for a year? Gawd, this is the worst Koga I've ever seen."

"I am Koga! What are you talking about?" Koga yelled, getting pissed.

"The attitude is pretty good though, I'll give you that."

"The hell…"

"That sword sucks, too, sorry, just thought you should know. Next time you should go to an actual knife shop instead of a toy store."

"What are you talking about, this isn't a toy!"

Koga unsheathed his sword for like, the second time since he'd gotten it. He just got it for looks, he never really intended to use it, since he just ran from combat when it got to be too much for him.

"Ok, whatever…So it's not a toy. It just looks beat. Calm down. But you need to work on this. The whole point of cosplay is to get the costume down. You look like you did a half-assed job on it."

"I…am…Koga…" Koga said through gritted teeth.

"Sure you are. And I'm Ed Elric, state alchemist. LOL."

"…I'm still not sure what's going on here, but I'm starting to get freaked out…" Koga's head began to spin. He was beginning to lose it.

Fat Elric could see Koga's eyes beginning to spin, and began to get concerned.

"You alright?"

"No…I'm not…I came through the well, almost got molested by a man dressed as a woman, I've been lost for hours, and now I've got some kid telling me I don't look like myself, and how he knows what I look like is another question I need answered!"

By this time, a crowd was starting to gather.

"Jeez, calm down, dude…I was just…" Fat Elric said, cautiously.

"No, man! I…I…I've had a bad time recently…People kept kicking me in the balls, Kagome dumped me for that mangy mutt, and now this…" Koga sputtered, exasperated.

"It's just a bad costume, relax, jeez. I didn't mean to piss you off, I was just trying to help you with some constructive criticism…"

"It's…not…a…costume…I...am…KOGA!"

Koga leaped onto the fat kid and started punching him.

"I AM KOGA!" he screamed, continuing to beat the kid. "Fucking SAY IT!"

"OK! YOU ARE KOGA! GET OFF ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING HELP!!!"

Security was called, and Koga was pulled from the guy and they attempted to eject him from the building. He ran, running just to run away from it all, and he found himself in a locker room. He built a good head start on the guards, and took a second to gather his thoughts. Luckily for him, there was a backpack on the ground and someone had left a locker open. Koga stripped, stuffed his things in the backpack, and raided the locker, seizing a disguise before bolting through a different door and then out an open window.

* * *

Kagome sighed. She secretly hated school. Now that the jewel was gone and Naraku defeated, this is what she would be doing with her life. Somehow, even though she'd been going to the feudal era for what seemed like years, she and all her friends were still in the same grade in high school. Go figure. And just like Kagome's luck, there were 27 tests that day…all of them crucial for passing the 85th semester…and she hadn't studied for them…so Kagome did what she always did. 

She cried.

They gave her a C+ out of pity.

Later, she and her friends went to that crappy McDonalds knock-off and gorged themselves on greasy death burgers.

"So, Kagome, how's that psycho boyfriend of yours doing?" asked Yuki.

Kagome thought for a moment, wondering if she should mention that Inuyasha was here in her time. "Um…he's fine, actually…He finally got over his ex…"

"OMIGOD?!? Really?!?!?" they all shouted in disbelief, scaring some poor fat kid in the corner into eating his prize by mistake.

"No more two-timing? Maybe he's calmed down… Maybe he realized what a catch Kagome is…Maybe something's up…How come all of a sudden he's just over her?" Speculations flew from the three girls and poor Kagome just sat there like the blonde she really is, deep down inside.

"Heh. I guess things just finally worked out…" she said nervously. "I hope they don't figure out I had sex with Inuyasha, they'll never leave me alone…" she thought to herself.

"Uh oh…" Ayumi said all of a sudden.

"What?" asked Kagome.

"Hojo."

Kagome blinked a few times. "What about him?"

"Well…..we kinda….maybe…possibly…"

"What did you do?"

"Um…date?"

Kagome let out a disgusted grunt. "I told you guys, I don't like Hojo like that! Besides…" she lowered her voice to a low whisper, "Doesn't he ping a little on your gaydar?"

Ayumi and Eri both said simultaneously, "What?! Nooo…." But Yuki said nothing.

The others looked at her.

"You think he is??"

Yuki shrugged, then nodded. "Well, some of the signs are there…"

"Like what?"

Yuki thought for a moment, then began listing things (which each received a nod of agreement from Kagome).

"He waxes his eyebrows and chest, and gets manicure, (I've seen him at the tanning salon). He dresses spectacular and coordinated even outside of school, he shops for curtains with his sister and mom, he cleans his house constantly, and he listens to women…" the list of stereotypical homosexual behavior continued. For a while.

"Oh come on! So he's just sensitive! Give him a chance, Kagome!"

"NO! I love Inuyasha, that's why he and I had s-" Kagome stopped herself mid-sentence, then paled, fearful that she just slipped up and revealed too much.

Her friends' jaws all dropped.

"Kagome, you didn't…" began Ayumi.

Kagome when from pale to bright red, then hid under her coat.

"Oh. My. God."

"Shut up," Kagome said.

"…"

"Shut up!"

"Let's go somewhere else, people are starting to stare at us…" Eri said.

* * *

Koga managed to evade the security guards from the convention hall, and found his way to the outskirts of Kagome's district. 

"Well, this is starting to look somewhat familiar…Maybe I'm not totally lost…"

Yeah, actually he was still totally lost…Sorry, dude.

Koga sighed. Just then, he smelled a familiar scent.

The camera zoomed in on his eyes, which widened.

"Kagome."

* * *

"Inuyasha…Shippo still hasn't come back…What if he's in trouble?" 

"Oh, come on, Sango, he survived back in the feudal era, he can make it in the modern era… What's the worst that could happen?"

"Hey, guys, there's something happening on Kagome's image box…" Miroku said.

"It's called a TV, don't be a dick." Inuyasha said.

They all turned and looked at the screen. The reporter was in mid sentence.

"…three o'clock this afternoon. The child appears to be between six and eight years old, and somehow found his way to the very top of the construction site's crane. Now, he hangs dangerously from the arm of the crane, some 70 plus stories high. Rescuers are trying to get up there to get him down, but it's not an easy task. There are high winds to battle and the balance and safety issue for the rescuers must also be taken into account. We'll have more info for you as the story develops, but here's a shot of what has happened so far."

The reporter began to narrate the film as it was shown.

"Here we see the child first climbing the crane…this was taken by an amateur photographer on a field trip...now we see police arriving on the scene as the child climbs higher…Now by this time, we arrived shortly after police, and were able to get this blurred shot of the child…Watch as we zoom in…"

The camera slowly zoomed in, and Inuyasha, Sango, and Miroku leaned in to try and see who it was.

"That can't be…"

"Is it?"

"I can't tell…"

Just then the door opened.

"What's going on?" the person entering asked.

"Does that look like Shippo to you?"

"Um…No…Since I'm right here," Shippo said. "You really think I'd be that stupid to climb that high? I'm not an idiot, you know."

All three looked dumbfounded, but sighed in relief.

The TV spoke up.

"We've just obtained the identity of the 'child'. In fact, he is not a child, but a Little Person, and apparently, he intends to jump. Police are attempting to talk him down, but it doesn't seem to be working…"

"It would be easier to just stab yourself," Inuyasha said. "Why jump to your death?"

"Well, look at the attention he's getting…Maybe that's what it's about…" Sango said.

"Hey, wait, what's going on now?" asked Miroku.

They turned to look at the screen. "…climbing up towards the man, now identified as Stereotypical Asianname, and he appears to be trying to get him down safely…This is amazing, he managed to get past authorities and scale the rigging up to the arm of the crane where Mr. Asianname is positioned…Wait, he's reached the top…It seems like he's talking to him now…I…I can't really see what's going on now, the sun is in my eyes…What's…Of all the times…" the reporter said.

"Inuyasha…Does the guy up there look familiar to you at all?"

Inuyasha stared at the man on the screen, then made a face.

"Nah, couldn't be…"

* * *

Koga followed the smell of Kagome and discovered her amongst a large crowd staring up at a construction site. 

People were saying things like, "Oh my god" and "look at that, what's going on"

Kagome and her three friends were there as well, all looking up, amazed at what was going on.

Koga carefully approached her. He didn't want to startle her, but also, he wanted to see what all the commotion was about.

"That kid…I hope he gets down all right…oh god…this is scary…" Kagome said to her friends.

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Koga murmured.

Kagome turned slowly, in disbelief, and instantly saw who she thought she just heard.

"Koga?!"

Koga smiled weakly. "Hey."

"What…How…What are you doing here?"

"Um…I don't know, I guess I just wanted to see you, see what it was like here…That's all…"

"Koga…I thought we discussed this already…"

Kagome's friends were intrigued. "Who's that guy? That doesn't look like Kagome's boyfriend…Did she two-time Inuyasha?"

"Look, Kagome…Maybe we…" Koga began.

"No, Koga…No 'maybe'…No 'someday'…I thought I made it clear that I'm with Inuyasha…I need you to leave now, it's creepy that you followed me here…"

"What do I have to do to make you listen to me for just a minute? Something heroic, like Inuyasha does? Well, then watch…"

Koga approached the police barricade, attempting to get past and go save the jumper, when all of a sudden someone yelled, "Hey, look at that!"

Koga looked up and saw someone approaching the jumper.

"Aw, damnit…"

The mystery person ran towards the jumper, grabbed him, then dashed back down the crane carrying the jumper, before dropping him on the roof next to police waiting below, then disappearing into the rooftops.

"What the…?" Koga said, sure that he recognized the savior.

Koga turned around to see if Kagome had the same reaction, but she was gone, as were her friends. His spirits fell even more than usual. Awwww…

* * *

"Who was that guy, Kagome?" Ayumi asked, anxiously. 

"Ugh. Remember that guy I told you about, the one that Inuyasha was fighting with over me? That was him, Koga…I told him that I wasn't interested in him, but he never listens…More stubborn than Inuyasha, if that's even possible," Kagome responded.

"He's practically a stalker! God, it's worse than…Hojo!"

Kagome was caught off guard as Hojo walked up.

"Uh…What are you doing here coming out of the shadows at an inconvenient moment…not like I was talking about you behind your back or anything, why would I do that, heh heh…" Kagome rambled. "Um…What's going on, Hojo?"

"Oh, nothing much…Just confirming if you're going with me to the movies Saturday night. Ayumi and Yuki told me that you'd love to go…" Hojo said in his sickeningly positive manner.

Kagome outright panicked. She struggled to come up with an excuse, but merely ended up squeaking, which Hojo took as a "yes." 'Cause he's fuckin' dumb.

Suddenly, the scene changed.

* * *

Kagome got home, depressed and upset at her friends, which is justifiable since they don't listen to her at all. Anyway, she found Inuyasha and Miroku intensely studying the news footage from the jumper story earlier in the day. 

"Hey, Sango, what's going on?" she asked.

Sango shrugged and sighed, "They're convinced that they recognize the guy that saved the jumper earlier. I don't see it…"

Kagome got a chill.

"Huh. Really…Funny you say that…"

Sango cocked her head a little, and Inuyasha and Miroku both looked over to Kagome.

"Ha!" said Inuyasha. "So Miroku and I aren't crazy!"

Kagome sighed and said, "I did see someone today…"

Inuyasha leaned in, patiently awaiting Kagome's continuation.

"Koga came up to me today…"

Inuyasha fell flat on his face.

"How the FUCK is KOGA here?" Inuyasha said, pissed as all hell.

"I don't know, but he was here, and he was near that jumper talking about doing something heroic…Does it look like him?"

Inuyasha looked again at the tape, and decided, "No, it doesn't look like Koga…So who could it be?"

Kagome was puzzled. "I don't understand how you guys could recognize someone from my time…It would have to be someone from the feudal era, but I don't know who would benefit from coming here…"

"How would Koga benefit from being here?" Miroku asked. "I thought you crushed his dreams pretty hard."

Kagome got annoyed. "I let the guy down easy! Come on!"

Inuyasha scoffed. "He'll never learn until he's dead. He's always going to keep trying to get with you…Where is he so I can kick his ass?"

Kagome said, more frustrated, "I don't _know_…I told him to leave me alone and he ran off into the crowd, he could be anywhere in Tokyo by now…Give it a rest…"

Inuyasha stood up. "Fuck that!"

Kagome said her token catch phrase, sending Inuyasha to the ground…In a way that never gets old…No matter how many times they do it…show…after show…after show…

Inuyasha got up and said, annoyed, "I'm going to kick the shit out him if he comes near you again."

Kagome responded with, "Yeah, ok…"

Inuyasha sulked in the corner as the scene changed.

* * *

Koga decided to go drown his sorrows in lots of alcohol, but he had no money. Fuck, he doesn't get a break, huh? 

Well, he found a bar and walked in, sat down in front of the barkeep, and began weaving his sad, pathetic tale of woe, sorrow, and…fuckin'… rain clouds… and, like… stuff.

"I met this beautiful woman…Long legs, flowing black hair, huge round…eyes…She was perfect…"

"So what happened?" the barkeep asked.

"Well…When we first met, it was a little awkward…I may have tried to kidnap her…"

"…Ok…"

"Just…bear with me here, ok? I was in a bad position, and she was the only one who could help, but she wouldn't listen at first…Anyway, something happened, and before I knew it, I fell for her…"

"…I hear it all the time…"

"The only thing is…she was with this pathetic loser mutt-face…I looked at this kid and I could see I was so much better for her than he was…I could give her everything…but again, she wouldn't listen…"

"How long did it go on?"

"Years. Every chance I got, I tried to win her over…Fighting, athletics, machismo…"

Some guy in the back of the bar snorted, "Machismo? He's in a skirt…"

"…But no matter what, she always sided with the idiot…There were times I thought she was interested, but it always turned out she needed help with something, and I'd get kicked to the curb afterwards…"

The bartender shook his head. "That's terrible…"

"…Finally, one day, I found out she was sleeping with the idiot…I was devastated…How could she do this to me? Did I mean nothing to her all this time?"

The guy from before stifled another snort.

"…So, I confronted her…And she told me straight up…She said I wasn't a main character…That I was just a foil, and she could never be with me because of that…"

Everyone in the bar went, "Ooh…" and winced.

"That's harsh…" said the barkeep.

"…I couldn't leave it at that…I found out she was coming here, and I followed, and tried one more time to show her what she was missing out on, but she dumped me again…And here I am…"

"Isn't that stalking?" the snorting guy asked his friend.

"Shut up, he's so broken up about it…Insensitive ass…" she snapped back.

The barkeep thought for a minute, then said, "Maybe you came on too strong, kid. You should just move on, you know?"

"I…I can't…I've been chasing her for so long…I…I don't know anything else…"

The barkeep leaned over, put his hand on Koga's shoulder, and said, "Then shut the fuck up and drink," as he gave Koga some hard liquor.

Koga looked at the glass and emptied it into his throat as the scene changed again.

* * *

Kagome had been taking a nap, but awoke suddenly. 

"Hojo..."

Just then, the phone rang.

Inuyasha's ears flattened. He hated the loud ring of Kagome's phone almost as much as the vacuum.

Kagome answered it and was only half-surprised to hear Hojo on the other end.

"Hi, Kagome. You ready to go?"

Kagome's face contorted as she struggled to come up with a good reason to bail.

"Um…Not really…Because…my…cat needs to…um…"

"I got us two movie tickets and a dinner reservation," Hojo said.

Kagome sighed. "Look, Hojo, I'm already in a serious sexual relationship with a guy for the past few years, and I don't think it would be a good idea to go out with you tonight."

"Great!" Hojo was obviously not listening. "I'll pick you up in an hour!"

Kagome hung up the phone.

Inuyasha's jealousy burned. "Who was that?"

Kagome sighed again. "…Hojo…He doesn't get it, plus I think he's gay…He wants me to go out with him tonight…"

Inuyasha's face contorted with rage.

"Don't even start that shit, Inuyasha! You heard me tell him I was with you!"

He grumbled something. "Is he coming here?"

"…Unfortunately…"

"Then I'll have to set him straight…"

Kagome grabbed Inuyasha and said sternly, "Don't lay a hand on him, got it? He's not a threat, he's just dumb."

Inuyasha grumbled again.

* * *

And this will get picked up a little later…Thanks for waiting… 


End file.
